Draft 2 - Post Rain Crepuscular

[alonso ramoran]

gerunds a bit muddled:

surviving
renewing
waning
falling

Revisit the violence of your opening line: this is —not— apocalypse. Actions of the above are graceful. Does this tension between (not) apocalypse and (gradual) waning serve to strengthen your poem, or is it holding it back?

Sudden introduction of “us”. Next line says (now) we are embodied. Suggests action, but “us” remains observing. “see the other” — is the sky receiving our embodiedness through our observation, then just becoming another observer? This feels as if sky is robbed of its agency (apocalypse, parousia suggest a visitor full of action, judgement, etc.). Gives the poem a charged (apocalyptic) beginning that then poofs out. I’d like more tension, personally. Or more dramatic waning.

Hey thewilderhen,

I cut some lines from the piece in hopes of focusing the poem and possibly heightening that tension. This was a poem more about a person's receiving of the sky and their embodiedness through the sky rather than the other way round. I hoped there would be other phrases that added to the metaphor of a second coming but maybe my job in that wasn't accomplished as well as I had thought.

Was the mention of "apocalypse" alone what lent some hint of violence to the opening line?