04-05-2026, 04:39 AM
gerunds a bit muddled:
surviving
renewing
waning
falling
Revisit the violence of your opening line: this is —not— apocalypse. Actions of the above are graceful. Does this tension between (not) apocalypse and (gradual) waning serve to strengthen your poem, or is it holding it back?
Sudden introduction of “us”. Next line says (now) we are embodied. Suggests action, but “us” remains observing. “see the other” — is the sky receiving our embodiedness through our observation, then just becoming another observer? This feels as if sky is robbed of its agency (apocalypse, parousia suggest a visitor full of action, judgement, etc.). Gives the poem a charged (apocalyptic) beginning that then poofs out. I’d like more tension, personally. Or more dramatic waning.
surviving
renewing
waning
falling
Revisit the violence of your opening line: this is —not— apocalypse. Actions of the above are graceful. Does this tension between (not) apocalypse and (gradual) waning serve to strengthen your poem, or is it holding it back?
Sudden introduction of “us”. Next line says (now) we are embodied. Suggests action, but “us” remains observing. “see the other” — is the sky receiving our embodiedness through our observation, then just becoming another observer? This feels as if sky is robbed of its agency (apocalypse, parousia suggest a visitor full of action, judgement, etc.). Gives the poem a charged (apocalyptic) beginning that then poofs out. I’d like more tension, personally. Or more dramatic waning.