04-05-2026, 02:14 AM
Joy is a good teacher, if we remember to reflect on our joy. I’ll remember your advice when I work in my garden beds today (something I am not looking forward to: I’ve got to clear all the rocks and roots).
As for your poem, you may need to keep your lines’ syllables in check. They vary across lines, enough to cause some trouble with scansion. See below for counts:
In my head (3)
They have all been feed (5) - note: possible autocorrect for “fed”
We share our bread (4)
A dream I for so long have had (8) - note: this is a rumble strip, it bumps me as the reader. Consider shortening? The “I for so long” part is hard to see its rhythm.
Erasing all that is bad (7)
Enough of things that makes us sad (8) - note: possible autocorrect for “make”
I like that you are playing with the singular self (“in my head”) and the plural self (“we have all been feed/fed”) throughout.
As for your explanation at the end, there is surely another poem there. If you can, I’d recommend exploring it as a poem.
As for your poem, you may need to keep your lines’ syllables in check. They vary across lines, enough to cause some trouble with scansion. See below for counts:
In my head (3)
They have all been feed (5) - note: possible autocorrect for “fed”
We share our bread (4)
A dream I for so long have had (8) - note: this is a rumble strip, it bumps me as the reader. Consider shortening? The “I for so long” part is hard to see its rhythm.
Erasing all that is bad (7)
Enough of things that makes us sad (8) - note: possible autocorrect for “make”
I like that you are playing with the singular self (“in my head”) and the plural self (“we have all been feed/fed”) throughout.
As for your explanation at the end, there is surely another poem there. If you can, I’d recommend exploring it as a poem.