03-31-2026, 08:43 PM
Hello again-
Even with one bad eye I've come back to this one because I can see some issues that may need addressing. Chief among those is the shift between second and third pserson.
Narcissus In Venusian Clothes perhaps Soft Boiled as a title, to strengthen the shell metaphor?
How long before the masquerade
dissolves before your lover’s eye,
one night, a month or twenty years?
The egg will crack and out will ooze EGG here instead of SHELL?
the suffocated residue
of who she was before the shell . SHE ? I think third person works better if carried through. SHELL here instead of SHAM?
How long before she hates herself Clearly third person now.
for falling for a surface lay perhaps LAY instead of LAID ?
upon a turd of misery Not a fan of this line. Perhaps something like web of lies?
which wooed her with a sticky net WHICH instead of WHO ?
disguised as loving empathy?
But you won’t fret about her fall, YOU and HER indicate a couple that N knows/knew, possibly knowing the YOU better.
your weakened prey has been the point.
So why the look of pained surprise
when finally she extricates
herself, relieved to fly away?
If I didn't like this poem so much I wouldn't have continued to comment. There does seem to be a disconnect between 2nd and 3rd person. In the end I get the feeling that the N knows this couple well, as the N observes that he's still around, while she is busy extricating herself. The poem, for me, is addressed to the guy in the relationship.
All in all, some things need a bit of tightening.
... Mark
Even with one bad eye I've come back to this one because I can see some issues that may need addressing. Chief among those is the shift between second and third pserson.
Narcissus In Venusian Clothes perhaps Soft Boiled as a title, to strengthen the shell metaphor?
How long before the masquerade
dissolves before your lover’s eye,
one night, a month or twenty years?
The egg will crack and out will ooze EGG here instead of SHELL?
the suffocated residue
of who she was before the shell . SHE ? I think third person works better if carried through. SHELL here instead of SHAM?
How long before she hates herself Clearly third person now.
for falling for a surface lay perhaps LAY instead of LAID ?
upon a turd of misery Not a fan of this line. Perhaps something like web of lies?
which wooed her with a sticky net WHICH instead of WHO ?
disguised as loving empathy?
But you won’t fret about her fall, YOU and HER indicate a couple that N knows/knew, possibly knowing the YOU better.
your weakened prey has been the point.
So why the look of pained surprise
when finally she extricates
herself, relieved to fly away?
If I didn't like this poem so much I wouldn't have continued to comment. There does seem to be a disconnect between 2nd and 3rd person. In the end I get the feeling that the N knows this couple well, as the N observes that he's still around, while she is busy extricating herself. The poem, for me, is addressed to the guy in the relationship.
All in all, some things need a bit of tightening.
... Mark