03-26-2026, 07:45 AM
Hi ilovewomenandbeer,
There is an interesting idea here, the metaphor being a comparison of a relationship to a dance and exploring how infidelity would factor into such a dance. After reading, I feel the poem might benefit from some condensing. I'll go line-by-line and show you what I mean.
A Cheater’s Dance
I just wanted a calm waltz.
Lyrical lopes,
my partner likes to krump—
I don’t like it rough. This line doesn't give the reader much beyond what the first line already gives
She’s the world, I know,
tempting, onlooking,
wanting to truly waltz. Writing this sentence w/o line breaks: She's the world, I know, tempting, onlooking, wanting to truly waltz. I'm left wondering how is she tempting and onlooking and what does it mean to the partner to want to truly waltz, especially when a previous line mentions that she likes to krump while the N wants a calm waltz. I get lost in the abstractions and I don't have a concrete image to hold on to yet.
Make dancing delicate again. This is a bit distracting because its phrasing when read aloud does echo certain political slogans, which i'm not sure is intentional. If it is, I'm now wondering what would be the intent.
Cinderelian ball— This may be a better spot to begin the poem but the idea needs further exploring
kissing, telling, and dancing— I'm not completely convinced of "cinderelian" by this line
I lied about the tango, How did the speaker lie? What about the tango did they lie about? That they liked to tango? That they can't tango? That they can?
the delectable, unforgettable touch. Unforgettable how? This question can be answered by describing the intimate subtleties of the tango, and you would only need one detail in one line.
I pursued, persuaded, and
lied about my dance. I think these lines can be cut; if you must replace them, I would give details of the speaker's experience with their pursuing and persuading as opposed to simply stating it.
Then guests knew—quietly. There's intrigue here that is ripe for exploring.
Kissing, whispering, and waltzing.
Still, a bachata The N lists four different dances throughout the poem: bachata, tango, waltz, and krumping. It can be a little disorienting because they all seem vastly different, which is fine. I understand that there's probably a part of the poem that is trying to show this disparity in people who are caught up in an affair. But I think a much better job can be done at illustrating this disparity by condensing the poem. I think the length (which can be attributed to lines that can be omitted) allows an idea of one dance to stew too long in a reader's mind before they are introduced to the next dance style and by then it's jarring in a way that subtracts from the reading experience
wouldn’t spin my world. This is nice phrasing, though I would just make this one line as I'm not seeing the purpose of the enjambment
Stuck between two spinning worlds. This line makes me wonder if the poem is actually from the perspective of an affair partner (ap), which would make the idea of this poem all the more novel, but still leaves a lot to be explored
As for the restless confession— The confession that the ap lied about the tango? Which confession? Why is the confession restless? How is it left on a floor? What would that look like? I'm sorry for the fusillade of questions, but I think it's important to at least answer some of these in the verse.
I’ll leave it on the cold floor. I feel like you have an ending here. The next lines can be cut and implied in other lines that the poem will keep
Alone,
I’ll never know
what it’s like
to truly dance.
I hope I didn't overload my critique with questions. Or if I did, I hope they are digestible in a way that allows you to see the poem you want to write.
There is an interesting idea here, the metaphor being a comparison of a relationship to a dance and exploring how infidelity would factor into such a dance. After reading, I feel the poem might benefit from some condensing. I'll go line-by-line and show you what I mean.
A Cheater’s Dance
I just wanted a calm waltz.
Lyrical lopes,
my partner likes to krump—
I don’t like it rough. This line doesn't give the reader much beyond what the first line already gives
She’s the world, I know,
tempting, onlooking,
wanting to truly waltz. Writing this sentence w/o line breaks: She's the world, I know, tempting, onlooking, wanting to truly waltz. I'm left wondering how is she tempting and onlooking and what does it mean to the partner to want to truly waltz, especially when a previous line mentions that she likes to krump while the N wants a calm waltz. I get lost in the abstractions and I don't have a concrete image to hold on to yet.
Make dancing delicate again. This is a bit distracting because its phrasing when read aloud does echo certain political slogans, which i'm not sure is intentional. If it is, I'm now wondering what would be the intent.
Cinderelian ball— This may be a better spot to begin the poem but the idea needs further exploring
kissing, telling, and dancing— I'm not completely convinced of "cinderelian" by this line
I lied about the tango, How did the speaker lie? What about the tango did they lie about? That they liked to tango? That they can't tango? That they can?
the delectable, unforgettable touch. Unforgettable how? This question can be answered by describing the intimate subtleties of the tango, and you would only need one detail in one line.
I pursued, persuaded, and
lied about my dance. I think these lines can be cut; if you must replace them, I would give details of the speaker's experience with their pursuing and persuading as opposed to simply stating it.
Then guests knew—quietly. There's intrigue here that is ripe for exploring.
Kissing, whispering, and waltzing.
Still, a bachata The N lists four different dances throughout the poem: bachata, tango, waltz, and krumping. It can be a little disorienting because they all seem vastly different, which is fine. I understand that there's probably a part of the poem that is trying to show this disparity in people who are caught up in an affair. But I think a much better job can be done at illustrating this disparity by condensing the poem. I think the length (which can be attributed to lines that can be omitted) allows an idea of one dance to stew too long in a reader's mind before they are introduced to the next dance style and by then it's jarring in a way that subtracts from the reading experience
wouldn’t spin my world. This is nice phrasing, though I would just make this one line as I'm not seeing the purpose of the enjambment
Stuck between two spinning worlds. This line makes me wonder if the poem is actually from the perspective of an affair partner (ap), which would make the idea of this poem all the more novel, but still leaves a lot to be explored
As for the restless confession— The confession that the ap lied about the tango? Which confession? Why is the confession restless? How is it left on a floor? What would that look like? I'm sorry for the fusillade of questions, but I think it's important to at least answer some of these in the verse.
I’ll leave it on the cold floor. I feel like you have an ending here. The next lines can be cut and implied in other lines that the poem will keep
Alone,
I’ll never know
what it’s like
to truly dance.
I hope I didn't overload my critique with questions. Or if I did, I hope they are digestible in a way that allows you to see the poem you want to write.