Sheriff Son

[alonso ramoran]

Hi ilovewomenandbeer,

You have a sparse poem that does well at conveying an image. Thoughts below

Sheriff Son
silver-lined enemies—
 the clouds that are referred to by the end, with "thunder"
a boy points
 finger—
 
“click” “puh-chow” “puh-chow”
candid cans—
 you might risk some confusion--are the cans the silver-lined enemies as well? or are they a separate thing?
slow to shoot back. this is the kid's imagination of an antagonist being slower on the draw than the dexterous cowboy hero
jean-holstered finger—
how about thumb instead of finger? for a sharper image and to avoid repetition of finger
star-loaded hands
 i think of a sheriff's badge, but this line may be leaning a little too abstract for me to come to this conclusion
gunslinging daydreaming,
 quality
as the sheriff.
Father God,
 
yelling thunder broke the yard—
 i think you can cut yelling, but if you wanna keep it, you can move up yelling to the line above to convey multiple ideas with a line break
back to work the boy goes.

Thank you for sharing!