03-20-2026, 03:24 AM
Hi dukealien,
I read the earlier drafts and coming back to this version now I can pick out some improvements and other things that leave more to be desired. For instance, the "definitions" I think are improvements. I remember reading how other commenters wanted the words to perhaps be swapped out for other words that are more faithful to the poem's themes, but I wanted to see if the N could maybe go deeper into the definitions of these 3 words instead to find something more thematic, which is what I think you're doing in this edit. Concerning the title, I think "Senescence" would do better at conveying the condition the n is experiencing. Senescent sounds like a noun should come after it, like you had previously with "blank"
I read the earlier drafts and coming back to this version now I can pick out some improvements and other things that leave more to be desired. For instance, the "definitions" I think are improvements. I remember reading how other commenters wanted the words to perhaps be swapped out for other words that are more faithful to the poem's themes, but I wanted to see if the N could maybe go deeper into the definitions of these 3 words instead to find something more thematic, which is what I think you're doing in this edit. Concerning the title, I think "Senescence" would do better at conveying the condition the n is experiencing. Senescent sounds like a noun should come after it, like you had previously with "blank"
(03-17-2026, 07:38 AM)dukealien Wrote: Senescent
My mind’s escaping, entering
a space I only notice when
it’s gone I like the previous version of this stanza better. It felt more natural, like how someone who is struggling to remember words would speak.
These last three days
three words returned too late
they’d each been inaccessible
not found by thought
or alphabet I'm having trouble seeing the relevance of this line and the one before. We know the N is struggling with memory. It kinda dulls the sharpness of the next line.
when concepts needed names
snare: caught out, I couldn’t name
simple rabbit-catching
anchored loop of wire
when a child asked how
to trap a leprechaun
Kurds: buried name
one brave people snared I like how you incorporated "snare" into this definition and I thought you would do this with "Kurds" in the next definition. A bit let down haha. But I think it's still completely fine this way.
in four countries
and their aspiration
to restore a nation
Etruscans: secret name
tribes of smiling mystery
exhumed from Tuscan provenance
rising in dream-murmurs
as lost words do Going back to my initial comment on this poem, I like how you stuck with these words. It pays off in this last line.
How much of my mind’s
refined vocabulary "Refined" is a bit much haha. You risk alienating the reader I think. You could condense to "how much of my vocabulary" or lexicon for vocabulary.
has evanesced for good
hidden or erased
soft-sunk for what of life is left Maybe it would be too drastic to suggest this line and the lines after are cut? I like this idea of ending the poem on a discordant note, with the n still trying to remember other things and kinda trailing off. I think it's an idea worth giving some thought.
in a room so finely
padded with absence
that its walls
cannot be seen or felt?