Senescent - edit 2

[milo]

Hello duke, it is good to see you working on this one, I feel it resonates on a personal level for all writers..  First - the title change, I like it.  Senescence is an abstraction and this poem is about a person.  Senescent describes a person.

Senescent


My mind is going, entering
a space I only notice when
it’s gone

  

My initial thoughts - as I am sure you would guess - were the use of passive voice.  In this case it is preferrable as it indicates something happening, uncontrollably, to the narrator.  I wonder if there isn't a stronger word for going but I am not sure. In it's current state it is a cliche.  Also, are there other verbs that would more strongly point to your metaphor.  Like I said, nothing comes to mind for me so maybe this is best.

These last three days
three words returned too late
that had been inaccessible
not found by thought
or alphabet
when concepts needed names–

The rhythm throughout here is solid.  I like pretty much all of this.  Line ends are all good.  I like the parallel of three-three.  I love the idea of concepts needing names, it provides an insistence.

snare: hand-twisted noose
caught out, I couldn’t name
that simple rabbit-catcher
when a child desired
to trap a leprechaun

Kurds: lost name for
one brave people snared
in four countries
and their aspiration
to restore a nation

I like the call back to snare.  I don't understand the need for "one" here so I may be missing something.  The double meaning on caught out is nice. Once again, there are plenty echoes of "caught", "lost" "trapped" - I think they work well setting up a almost subliminal messaging.  "desired" may be the wrong word. Nevermind, I missed the purpose of one before and on successive reads it came to me.  Yes, I realize I could go back and erase my earlier thought.

Etruscans: secret name
lost tribes of mystery
awakening from murmurs
of Tuscany last night
as lost words do

I have a personal aversion to poets using the old "xxxx of some abstraction" construct which you have here with "tribes of mystery".  Not sure exactly how to engineer it but Tuscan is such a better word than Tuscany.

How much of my mind’s
proud vocabulary
has evanesced for good
hidden or erased
soft-sunk for what of life is left
in a room so finely
padded with absence
that its walls
cannot be seen or felt?

nice tip to padded room. The $10 word suddenly showing up to accentuate the situation is good as well.  I don't care for "proud" here - perhaps because it is modifying vocabulary but I do feel it is importatnt to communicate so maybe just a rearrangement.

Overall - I think it's solid.  Thanks for posting.

original version;

Senescence Blank


My mind is going, going
but I feel it only when
it’s gone.  Just in
these last three days
I rediscovered three words
lost for hours that
had been inaccessible
not found by even
alphabetic search
and prompting when their
concepts needed names–

snare: I could not express
how rabbits are caught
when my grand-nephew wished
to trap a leprechaun
only make pulling motions
with my fingers

Kurds: (just had to alphabet
again) when discussing
their place in Iran,
their aspiration
to be a nation

and Etruscans: wondered
how they related
to Sea Peoples of
a YouTube documentary
(and just had to find
them now, minutes later
yet again by way
of “Tuscany”)

How much of my mind
my vaunted vocabulary
is gone this present moment
hidden or erased
absence unremarked
senescence-walled forever?

---

This is pretty raw, from a succession of unnerving experiences (of being "at a loss for words").  I expect the first suggestion will be to remove the examples.  Almost a journal entry... worth editing?

[/quote]