Senescent - edit 2

[wasellajam]

Hey, duke, so excellent, some notes:

Senescent


My mind is going, entering
a space I only notice when
it’s gone
The opener works for me, going/entering, going/gone.

These last three days
three words returned too late
that had been inaccessible
not found by thought
or alphabet
when concepts needed names–
"That" is awkward for me, I'd prefer "they"; with no punctuation you could probably get away with none after late. In fact, you could probably lose the m-dash and question mark without harm if you wanted to.

snare: hand-twisted noose
caught out, I couldn’t name
that simple rabbit-catcher
when a child desired
to trap a leprechaun
I prefer the original here, with or without the hand motions.

Kurds: lost name for
one brave people snared
in four countries
and their aspiration
to restore a nation
Yes to the double snare, and the depth of "restore a nation".

Etruscans: secret name
lost tribes of mystery
awakening from murmurs
of Tuscany last night
as lost words do
Lovely layers here.

How much of my mind’s
proud vocabulary
has evanesced for good
hidden or erased
soft-sunk for what of life is left
in a room so finely
padded with absence
that its walls
cannot be seen or felt?
Yes to evanesced and soft-sunk.

original version;

Senescence Blank


My mind is going, going
but I feel it only when
it’s gone.  Just in
these last three days
I rediscovered three words
lost for hours that
had been inaccessible
not found by even
alphabetic search
and prompting when their
concepts needed names–

snare: I could not express
how rabbits are caught
when my grand-nephew wished
to trap a leprechaun
only make pulling motions
with my fingers

Kurds: (just had to alphabet
again) when discussing
their place in Iran,
their aspiration
to be a nation

and Etruscans: wondered
how they related
to Sea Peoples of
a YouTube documentary
(and just had to find
them now, minutes later
yet again by way
of “Tuscany”)

How much of my mind
my vaunted vocabulary
is gone this present moment
hidden or erased
absence unremarked
senescence-walled forever?

---

This is pretty raw, from a succession of unnerving experiences (of being "at a loss for words").  I expect the first suggestion will be to remove the examples.  Almost a journal entry... worth editing?

A beautiful edit, your Narrator has enchanting control of their vocabulary.