03-17-2026, 03:55 PM
Hi Duke, considering your notes at the bottom I'll leave any kind of line critique for a later time. I feel with this that you are testing to see if it is worth pursuing. I definitely think that this has excellent potential.
My initial thoughts are that I feel as though all the 'words' that the narrator was struggling to recall could be more relevant to the poems subject. Whereas with this, as you say it is 'almost a journal entry' and therefore they are the actual words. The first word, 'snare' however does feel relevant to the poem and this particular section works.
You could have three words all relevant or narrow it down to one and centre it around that.
Also, as a reader, although I appreciate how well the last stanza is written I kind of feel as though I should be asking that question myself about the narrator considering the information that has been garnered from the poem. The title is excellent and does a lot of this work for you I feel in this respect.
This is definitely worth taking further.
Thank you for sharing this Duke it feels very personal.
All the best.
My initial thoughts are that I feel as though all the 'words' that the narrator was struggling to recall could be more relevant to the poems subject. Whereas with this, as you say it is 'almost a journal entry' and therefore they are the actual words. The first word, 'snare' however does feel relevant to the poem and this particular section works.
You could have three words all relevant or narrow it down to one and centre it around that.
Also, as a reader, although I appreciate how well the last stanza is written I kind of feel as though I should be asking that question myself about the narrator considering the information that has been garnered from the poem. The title is excellent and does a lot of this work for you I feel in this respect.
This is definitely worth taking further.
Thank you for sharing this Duke it feels very personal.
All the best.
wae aye man ye radgie