Concrete Western: Ghetto Ballads

[ilovewomenandbeer]

Hi, I'll give it a go.

In looking for a reason for the four very short opening lines and short lines throughout I went and read some ballads and I'm not getting their technique or feeling from this poem. I can definitely see the comparison of current streets to the erratic law enforcement of the American old west but for me the sparse style of the poem doesn't provoke the emotional response it could that would make it feel fresh. Some notes below.

poem i wrote today let me know what i can revise and fix.

Concrete Western: Ghetto Ballads

Concrete westerns,
cowboys slinging.

Ghetto Ballads,
Hood Dominion. See the note above.

Sheriff's lame,
down lawless lane—
cowboys cut crack cocaine, Some will say the alliteration is way overdone but subtle is not the point here and I enjoyed the crisp wordplay.

 Sierra Leone stone
in Bloods’ veins.
Why the white space after cocaine, the poem is making me do the work of putting a coherent thought together.
Slingin’ that Piru poison,
enough to murder—
Perilous infants.

Slinging invasive Spanish Pirul. Piru/Pirul is nice word play but slinging seems off here.
California’s slow killing spur—
the sheriff and his Is the sheriff doing the slinging of the Pirul? I'm missing something.
wishful silver cuffs.

Concrete westerns— For me this line is not novel enough to find the repeat adding anything.
slung young,
as you live you die—
by the gun.

The sun serenades—Why this m dash?
these scorched cowboys’ bloody bodies. Nice sonics.

Unturned graves—
no soil, heat waves, Graves/no soil is strong.
boiled burials in potholes rotting. Boiled, immersed in hot fluid, ???

Crippled vultures came,
itching—
pocketed brother’s cane. I interpret this as a power change, I think "itching" could move to the line above.
destructive concrete western keepers—
all pecked at what they'd ever have. I can't really get this line to work for me, the vultures? the keepers? are they the same? I'm confused here.

 Lines you might not get at first turn the streets into a modern Western. Gang members become cowboys, police are the sheriff, and the city is the frontier. The Spanish Pirul refers to a tree whose pepper-like berries resemble spurs, symbolizing violence and drugs spreading invasively through California. Overall, the poem shows how drugs, violence, and death repeat in a cycle, where everyone eventually feeds off the aftermath like vultures.

So, you've certainly got something to work on and some interesting language, I hope my notes help. Thanks for posting this.

Thanks for taking the time to give such detailed notes — I really appreciate it.

I actually ended up using some of your feedback when revising the poem. A couple of the images were meant to work in layered ways, which may not come across right away. The line break after “cocaine” was intentional — I wanted the pause to visually separate the drug from the “white Sierra Leone stone,” linking crack cocaine to blood diamonds and violence.

The “slow killing spur” line is also meant to mirror itself: the Pirul berries resemble spurs, so the image flips between the plant spreading invasively and the sheriff’s spurs and cuffs trying (and failing) to control it.

Thanks again for the thoughtful critique — it helped me tighten the poem a lot.

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Hi, you've got some good imagery here and some good alliteration. There are some places where I stumble a bit, I've left some notes below

poem i wrote today let me know what i can revise and fix.

Concrete Western: Ghetto Ballads

Concrete westerns,
cowboys slinging.

Ghetto Ballads,
Hood Dominion.  -- Yeah I'm not really getting the use of these opening lines either. I'm struggling to find a way in which 'concrete western' works. It seems too close to 'concrete jungle' which could make it a cliche.
an urban western would seem a more apt description perhaps.

Sheriff's lame,  -- for me, this would be a good place to start, a different title would help also
down lawless lane—
cowboys cut crack cocaine, -- really like the alliteration
                                  -- odd white space?? is it a line of coke?? 
 Sierra Leone stone
in Bloods’ veins.

Slingin’ that Piru poison,
enough to murder—
Perilous infants.  -- nice sonics again and wordplay. 'perilous infants' or 'infants in peril'

Slinging invasive Spanish Pirul.
California’s slow killing spur—
the sheriff and his
wishful silver cuffs.

Concrete westerns—
slung young,
as you live you die—
by the gun. -- careful of possible cliches 

The sun serenades—
these scorched cowboys’ bloody bodies. -- good imagery -- could it be 'bloodied' 

Unturned graves—
no soil, heat waves,
boiled burials in potholes rotting.

Crippled vultures came,
itching—
pocketed brother’s cane.
destructive concrete western keepers—
all pecked at what they'd ever have. -- did you mean 'never have'? -- I'm struggling to get this line to work

 Lines you might not get at first turn the streets into a modern Western. Gang members become cowboys, police are the sheriff, and the city is the frontier. The Spanish Pirul refers to a tree whose pepper-like berries resemble spurs, symbolizing violence and drugs spreading invasively through California. Overall, the poem shows how drugs, violence, and death repeat in a cycle, where everyone eventually feeds off the aftermath like vultures.

I like it, I like the imagery and the sonics. 

There are a lot of em dashes, a couple that don't work.

Thanks for the read, look forward to seeing where you go with this.

Thanks for taking the time to read and leave such detailed notes. I’m glad the imagery and sound worked for you.

I ended up using a few of your suggestions in the revision — especially changing “bloody bodies” to “bloodied bodies,” which reads much better. The spacing after “cocaine” was intentional to separate it from the “white Sierra Leone stone” image and hint at the connection between drugs and blood diamonds. The “slow killing spur” line is also meant to mirror itself a bit, with the Pirul berries resembling spurs and tying back to the sheriff imagery.

I appreciate the critique — it helped me tighten the poem quite a bit.