Concrete Western: Ghetto Ballads

[wasellajam]

Hi, I'll give it a go.

In looking for a reason for the four very short opening lines and short lines throughout I went and read some ballads and I'm not getting their technique or feeling from this poem. I can definitely see the comparison of current streets to the erratic law enforcement of the American old west but for me the sparse style of the poem doesn't provoke the emotional response it could that would make it feel fresh. Some notes below.

poem i wrote today let me know what i can revise and fix.

Concrete Western: Ghetto Ballads

Concrete westerns,
cowboys slinging.

Ghetto Ballads,
Hood Dominion. See the note above.

Sheriff's lame,
down lawless lane—
cowboys cut crack cocaine, Some will say the alliteration is way overdone but subtle is not the point here and I enjoyed the crisp wordplay.

 Sierra Leone stone
in Bloods’ veins.
Why the white space after cocaine, the poem is making me do the work of putting a coherent thought together.
Slingin’ that Piru poison,
enough to murder—
Perilous infants.

Slinging invasive Spanish Pirul. Piru/Pirul is nice word play but slinging seems off here.
California’s slow killing spur—
the sheriff and his Is the sheriff doing the slinging of the Pirul? I'm missing something.
wishful silver cuffs.

Concrete westerns— For me this line is not novel enough to find the repeat adding anything.
slung young,
as you live you die—
by the gun.

The sun serenades—Why this m dash?
these scorched cowboys’ bloody bodies. Nice sonics.

Unturned graves—
no soil, heat waves, Graves/no soil is strong.
boiled burials in potholes rotting. Boiled, immersed in hot fluid, ???

Crippled vultures came,
itching—
pocketed brother’s cane. I interpret this as a power change, I think "itching" could move to the line above.
destructive concrete western keepers—
all pecked at what they'd ever have. I can't really get this line to work for me, the vultures? the keepers? are they the same? I'm confused here.

 Lines you might not get at first turn the streets into a modern Western. Gang members become cowboys, police are the sheriff, and the city is the frontier. The Spanish Pirul refers to a tree whose pepper-like berries resemble spurs, symbolizing violence and drugs spreading invasively through California. Overall, the poem shows how drugs, violence, and death repeat in a cycle, where everyone eventually feeds off the aftermath like vultures.

So, you've certainly got something to work on and some interesting language, I hope my notes help. Thanks for posting this.