03-11-2026, 12:25 AM
The edit clarifies a few things and adds a few. By the way, it's useful to just append your edited version(s) into the original post above previous version(s), with the previous labeled - so we can tell where each begins - and the codes (square bracket)pre verse(close bracket) and (square bracket)/(close bracket) at top and bottom of the old edit(s). This lets readers and critics see the process of development when desired.
There are some themes or leitmotifs, or just words frequently used, in the work - wood/pine/board and post(s), for example. "Posts" is a little problematic because it can be verb or noun (he posts, they are tied to posts). Although these themes are fine, you might consider varying the words or enhancing them - checkered board, posted lines, neck-bound coffle.
So, the suggestion would be greater variety of words: the reader will supply his own images (cedar posts, hippopotamus-hide whip) but you can guide him to a desired vision.
I'm a little confused by the "kingless" mentions. In chess there cannot, of course, be a kingless castling or check(mate). So, the black side has no king (though capitalizing "Knight" may be a hint). There is, however, the (guy?) with the wooden whistle... which brings to mind the cut-mitered bishop piece. Is he a straw boss, and what color?
Mystery and allusion are good. And this is a story journey rather than recounting one historic life - it's in the dreamtime. But you can make it darker as well as brighter by enhancing the vocabulary.
Hope that helps!
There are some themes or leitmotifs, or just words frequently used, in the work - wood/pine/board and post(s), for example. "Posts" is a little problematic because it can be verb or noun (he posts, they are tied to posts). Although these themes are fine, you might consider varying the words or enhancing them - checkered board, posted lines, neck-bound coffle.
So, the suggestion would be greater variety of words: the reader will supply his own images (cedar posts, hippopotamus-hide whip) but you can guide him to a desired vision.
I'm a little confused by the "kingless" mentions. In chess there cannot, of course, be a kingless castling or check(mate). So, the black side has no king (though capitalizing "Knight" may be a hint). There is, however, the (guy?) with the wooden whistle... which brings to mind the cut-mitered bishop piece. Is he a straw boss, and what color?
Mystery and allusion are good. And this is a story journey rather than recounting one historic life - it's in the dreamtime. But you can make it darker as well as brighter by enhancing the vocabulary.
Hope that helps!
Non-practicing atheist