The Clockmaker's Joy

[milo]

Hi, Milo. I enjoy many aspects of this poem. Here are my comments:

In terms of general interpretation, I’m drawn to the idea of breaking away from Time’s Sword of Damocles and feeling the euphoria of enjoying life un-menaced by it. That’s the general theme I get from your poem. If I’m mistaken, some of my comments will be misguided.

With that interpretation, I read the first four stanzas, set in a bright summer day, as N leaping with a companion into a Time-free zone of joy.

The next stanza which I’ll call S5, set at night-time, shows Time encroaching again and carrying with it the threat of mortality.

But S6 brings us back to brightness.

The final couplet gives us a truly striking image but it’s a little difficult to interpret. I read it as referring to a new generation who will challenge time (symbolized by the moon, which is the measuring-rod of years in twelve month-long lunar intervals) with new lives.

Within that general interpretive framework, I have the following {detailed comments}:  

The Clockmaker's Joy

{It’s great title but I don’t see the “Clockmaker” in the poem. The only timepiece is the sundial and there’s no indication that N made it. “Clockmaker” has strong associations with “Creator” but I read the poem as describing the joy as belonging to N, not to some omnipotent being.}

In the heat that’s dry and white like hay
the intolerable bright
of summer’s day
 
{I appreciate the craft of the double-rhyme—white/bright and hay/day—but is hay, even if dried-out, a paradigm of whiteness? 
I like “intolerable”. 
The use of “bright” as a noun meaning “brightness” seems valid but some dictionaries label it as poetic.} 
 
and you - a sundial trapped within it
I beckon you to come away
and slip the minute.

{I now ask myself who “you” is. 
“A sundial trapped within it” throws me. Is “it”’s antecedent the day? And is “you” the sundial? It would read that way if the sundial phrase is in apposition to “you” but the punctuation doesn’t suggest that. The only conclusion I can derive is that “you” is another person, likely N’s companion. 
In that case, maybe N is likening that person to a sundial, trapped in a Time-bound environment. If that's the intent, I think it works but with some effort on the part of the reader. Different punctuation could help. If you delete the L1 dash and break the sentence at the end of L1, would that reflect your meaning?
I like the colloquial touch of “slip the minute.”}

Without the metronomic gears
to click away the passing years
without the ticking panic that it brings
without the entropy of springs

{My reading would be smoother with two adjustments. 
The punctuation is on/off. I’d prefer regular. 
The meter jumps about too. In S1/S2 you set up a metrical expectation of 3-line stanzas rhymed AxA. Then in S3 and S4 you switch to envelope quatrain (ABBA), in S5 to an ABAB quatrain with a slant B-rhyme, and in S6 to an AxAx quatrain. It works but it keeps the reader changing gears. 
Speaking of which, I like the metronomic gears imagery but there’s potential confusion if the reader tries to link them with the sundial, which has no gears to click. 
Since there’s a period at the end of S2, I read S3 as starting a new sentence  and I don’t see a clear antecedent for “it” in L3. Changing "metronomic to "metronome" might fix it.
Does "springs" mean seasons or clock-springs? In either case, those things move with regularity so I wonder about “entropy.”} 
  
we can leap up to the sky
casting off the weight of death and birth
and years that pass, the curvature of earth
can fall beneath us as we fly.

{And here we have the joy. Very nice. 
It looks as if mid-L3 could use a sentence break.}

but

{Nice turn before the bubble bursts.}

close your eyes and feel the shadows turn
and night will find you there upon the chaise
helpless to the years that churn
and turn your body into clay.

{Good stanza with “chaise” and “helpless” setting the scene well. The rhymes seem tangled and I question whether the repeat of “turn” in L4 fits.}

Look out the window now, across the lawn
across the brook across the moonlight’s chill
and cast away your fear of dawn
your premonition of the daylight

{I like the first three lines.
That said, I'm a little doubtful about “moonlight’s chill.”
L4 jars metrically and looks as if it should be the start of a new sentence.} 

crashes

Twelve groups of children gather on the hill
and burn the moon to ashes.

{This finish is excellent if my general interpretation is okay.}

All the best with this,

John

Hello

Thank you for this excellent and very detailed and well thought out feedback.  Most of your interpretations are generally aligned with my intent which is a positive sign.  I am digesting some of your thoughts toward punctuation - et al.  The changing rhyme and meter is a nod to Eliot/Pound (or that was the feel I was going for)

Once again, thanks and welcome to the site!