Behind the Curtain

[fastmarshmallow]

Thanks for reading - I would appreciate any and all comments! I wrote this after thinking about all the opportunities I've missed because of my fear of not being as good as others when I was younger. Though I am a lot more confident now, this poem helped me express that regret.

Hello, as a reader, I would actually prefer if you didn't tell me your intent at first so I can objectively determine if it works.  Unfortunately, now that I know, I will unwillingly associate everything and may miss something.

Behind the curtain I hear,
Laugh and cough, from clap to cheer.
“O God, what terror!" I cry.
But still I swallow my fear.

  

I like the opening of "behind the curtain" - it is a little overt but it lays the metaphor out there plainly so I can focus on the craft.  i would prefer if you used meter with the rhyme. Nobody cries "oh, god what terror!" and the problem with hyperbole is it breaks the trust with both the narrator and the quthor.

I think I ought to recreate this, with my new knowledge of poetic meter... and just prosody in general.

“Ready?” Asks the lady, with glasses too square.  
Her jumper’s all worn, but she wouldn't care.
Shake head, then turn, 
“I’ll go when it's one. I promise, I swear.”

so, you like to rhyme and I agree, I like to rhyme as well.  I am often heard saying - it rhymes so it must be true.  Problems do occur with inversions as then  I know that it does not truly rhyme.  Glasses too square id inversion speak for too-square glasses which  - in and of itself - could be interesting.  I do not know if you are using an anachronistic metaphor for uncool because - remember, your narrator already broke my trust.  Also, I promise, I swear feels like forced rhyme as well to my ear.

I am cringing, rereading my rhymes - they do sound a little shoehorned in now in hindsight - but I wanted to limit myself to a simple scheme to start with as my first try. I do like 'too-square glasses', now to the extent of abandoning the rhyme. I think what I've found, as most junior poets probably do, is that rhyme, particularly in the early stages, works more as a constraint as opposed to opportunistic flair. I think I'll try free verse for a little while, and work my way up from there. 

“Together.” Says the boy, with thin black hair.
His voice always breaks, but he wouldn't care.
Shake head, then turn,
“Maybe at two. I promise, I swear.”

I may change my mind here as I realize you are using it as a refrain and as a refrain - for no particular reason - I find it more interesting.  I do like the countdown as well.

“Please.” Moans the woman, who stumbles in line.
She has my eyes, my lips, but cracked by time.
One cheek stained, too sad is her smile,
“My dear, please go. In at least, a little while.”

so, you are changing your rhymes up haphazardly.  I actually was growing fond of a -a -x -A and now you have changed it and, while that can be interesting as well, here, it feels uncontrolled.

Hm, I might consider sticking to AABA. Perhaps, "One cheek stained, too weary is her eye." To stick with the whole 'this is me but in 50 years regretting my life choices' metaphor.

At last, it’s three. I walk on, head high.
I look up, my arms fly, like stars in the sky.
But I hear a clock tick, and I wanted a roar.
The chairs are disarrayed, there's litter on the floor.

“You promised, you swore!” "Who’s there?" I call.
But I turn around only
To a stage, and no more.

so, you have an interesting concept here - you have a solid metaphor if a little worn and you have some ince bridge metaphor.  It feels a lttle rough  - like first draftish rough - but interesting enough to be worth a revision.  Maybe get your language under control - consider the words you use and if you can point to your metaphor throughout getting more utility - it has a lot of promise.


I hope some o fthis helped.  Thanks for posting.

Thank you for your detailed comments Milo. 'First draftish' I think is the best way of putting it lol! I have learnt a lot since I wrote this, and I think I'll work on a revision once I've learnt a little more.