03-08-2026, 10:19 AM
Hello and welcome to the Pen. You have actually stumbled upon the BEST place to receive feedback on your poetry be it English homework or English schoolwork! First, i would like to agree with ella in that I detest center aligned poetry - it is affectatious and makes it difficult to read and enjoy for those that like to read and enjoy poetry as opposed to those that like to purchase Hallmark Anniversary cards for best friends' roomate's girlfirends' fathers in law.
(03-07-2026, 01:39 AM)ilovewomenandbeer Wrote:Please let me know if there is anything i should improve :}Gunslinger’s Slumber
Smoky air with burnt tastes of death
fills the room with the bitter scent of gunpowder.
As easily seen in a fortune-teller’s tale,
it puts an old gunslinger’s mind uneasy.
Startling chambers, sheets and drapes unfold
where there are knots and static lightning.
Out of slumber, slight and unencumbered,
to draw at the sound of thunder.ok, the alignment is really bothering me more than it should but - let me say first - you are speaking through allegory - it feels like a lost art in poetry and I love that. The gunslinger myth is fine - you are using good language - you have a good sense of sound and rhythm, your assonance is a little heavy handed but fine. I do not care for the elimination of articles in poetry and - thank god - its time has come and gone most likely with cummings- please put the articles and any antecedents you run across back in your English verse.
Quote:There’s smoky air with burnt tastes of death
that fills the room with the bitter scent of gunpowder.
Now the gunslinger’s sly and superstitious.
He knows, as a prideful sinner,
to rely on a rosary and lie on the word.
The reverend’s clutch was grime as lye.you are doing well to use dense language and sonics throughout here. You are also doing well to avoid literal cliche (though some could say you are leaning on cliche of purpose). I don't know what "the reverend's clutch was grime as lye" even means but I actually love the phrase - it is original and I get enough out of it to fill in the rest. There is a thought in poetry (perhaps from Pound) that if you need an abundance of adjectives you are not choosing good nouns and verbs and i would suggest you are close to the precipice here. "Use no ornament . . ." and all.Quick and swift, let out six—
Quote:ok, you followed with a perfect example: quick AND swift?? like as opposed to quick and slow?Quote:two holes above the gunslinger’s brim.
Stiff as a board they stand;cliche alertQuote:one awaits the other’s slumber.
Out of slumber, slight and unencumbered,
to draw at the sound of thunder.
Five to make a star, with one in the middle—
evenly a better shot.
One badge, one heart.
The gunslinger’s cocked hat bleeds.
A rodent with holes, a maiden shook,
and the pope left with gnashing teeth.
He laid back into his knotted sheet
and gnawed his wheat.
As his home filled with smoky air,
burnt tastes of death filled the room
with the bitter scent of gunpowder.ok - here are my summary thoughts - you have a good sense for sound and rhythm. You do a good job of telling a tale instead of telling a reader what to think. you speak through allegory which is great. I think you have the makings of a fine poem and a fine poet. I think you need to think about metaphor a bit and cleaning up a little of the bloat but overall - pretty solid start.Thanks for posting
