My love

[wasellajam]

My love

I have been yours. Without you, I would die.

I never thought we would be stuck as friends.
Though years have passed, with me, yourself and I,
You’ve stolen half my heart; my time suspends.
I lose myself within your lovely eyes.
Although your iris skews oh so astray 
A single silhouette is all that lies,
just near your pupil, there, to my dismay.

The faint glow, moonlight shimmers; cozy bright,
Is not enough for the pathetic fool.
He swoons over the dazzling sun through night.
His lamp, unlit, casts shadows like a ghoul.

My whole heart, missing! Who has it with her?
I think I love you, I’m probably sure.

2nd try
Hopefully my concept is more clear

Hi, wiz, please correct me if I misunderstand your intent. I got the impression from your explanations that you were purposely making the first half cliched to contrast something (?) in the second half. I'm not seeing much of a contrast or anything in the last 6 lines that make bluntness and cliche of the opening 8 worth it. Sorry, just not getting it, or have misinterpreted your goal. Hopefully someone else can be of more help. I do appreciate the work you're putting in, that in itself I'm sure is worthwhile.