My love

[milo]

I lowkey feel abit rude explaining this but tbf it probably isnt since its my fault
so uhh the concept i was trying to go for was writing a sonnet about being in love with love
i wanted to use traditional "cliche" phrases at the start to create a fake, superficial feeling especially after getting the context (like on the 2nd read or smth)
the ryhme and meter being abit off is a happy accident to show the awkwardness within the relationship itself.
And then splitting the sonnet into like 3 stanzas with the 2nd one showing actually what actually is happening like a volta of some sorts and then sprinkling forshadowing abit through like "lost" , "i see half of my heart in you" , "reflection in them revealing my gaze"
I tried making it obvious for the last 6 lines so yeah

thats just my thought process 
idk if this concept is worth trying much but it seems pretty cool and is good practice
so hopefully you could share some thoughts on how to better bring about this concept through like better word choice and improivng the rhythm to fit this
Thanks

well, you have to actually write the poem and I can see the concept and it is intriguing though I am not sure you will be able to get a poetry reader to read through that far without dismissing the entire thing and - and this is a big and - to pull it off, the remainder non-cliché part will need to be of a skill level so high that it will need to assert without doubt that was the goal, but I am game to work it out with you if you want, what assistance can I offer?

i might also need some identification of which lines or ideas expressed here should be kept and what should be reworked, like if the meter or ryhme should become more standard

If I was you, I would standardize the meter and rhyme  first.  i feel like it is easier to start with some solid bones like that and then later, if you wanted to indicate in the beginning that something was off or cheesy it would be a lot easier to change in that direction.

As for what to keep or not, that is a decision you have to make.  If it was me, I would either 1. Wait for feedback from other members and then take that feedback and rework it to try to hit your goals (assuming they haven't changed that is to write a poem about being in love with love itself).  Then think of some key words/images/phrases or metaphors that would communicate that without saying it.  Think of your narrator for a minute.  What is this guy like?  Is his hair medium length but maybe grown out a bit much?  How does he dress?  Is he trying to be retro cool with his waffle shirts and denim jacket and his shit - what were those boots all the emo kids were wearing?  Oh, right, Doc Martins.  How does he smell.  How does he act.  Get to know this guy because when you write, it is him speaking and he shouldn't say anything that he wouldn't say or it reads fake.  Does that make sense?  Or 2.  Attempt a rewrite now based on any changes in thought you may have had since you originally worte it. 

 The heaviest edits always come early in a poem's life cycle with smaller refinements later so don't be afraid to chop.  To look for someone who is GREAT at that, I suggest reading a few of wasellajam's posts - she is excellent at editing, rewriting, incorporating new ideas and suggestions.  Of course the risk we are running into here is that I have overwhelmed the feedback on this one so other members may not feel comfortable commenting in its current state.  No worries, just make a small edit and start a new thread if you think that would be helpful.