My love

[wizzpower]

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So, metrically, it isn't a tough fix.  Rhyming you with you isn't great.  "Yourself and I" is interesting and I feel like the first look into the actual author/narrator in this case.  It is tough to get the rhyme for it though, we could force a demotion on the "I" and think of something interesting that would rhyme on the demoted version (I am going to try hand, I in this case just for demonstration)  of course, if I do that, the reader will think I am forcing the rhyme on the second so an old trick would be to bring the constructed rhyme up so it naturally settles into the original rhyme as a pleasant surprise:

It was involuntary - reaching for your hand, I
caught myself that first time standing close
as years passed by, filled with me, yourself and I
find myself again, reaching for that hand I chose

etc, etc . . .

try continuing in that vein - find interesting natural  language that says what you - an honest real human being that has had real experience - feel sometimes.  Try to use interesting comparisons and language but make it real and make it yours

Thanks

I lowkey feel abit rude explaining this but tbf it probably isnt since its my fault
so uhh the concept i was trying to go for was writing a sonnet about being in love with love
i wanted to use traditional "cliche" phrases at the start to create a fake, superficial feeling especially after getting the context (like on the 2nd read or smth)
the ryhme and meter being abit off is a happy accident to show the awkwardness within the relationship itself.
And then splitting the sonnet into like 3 stanzas with the 2nd one showing actually what actually is happening like a volta of some sorts and then sprinkling forshadowing abit through like "lost" , "i see half of my heart in you" , "reflection in them revealing my gaze"
I tried making it obvious for the last 6 lines so yeah

thats just my thought process 
idk if this concept is worth trying much but it seems pretty cool and is good practice
so hopefully you could share some thoughts on how to better bring about this concept through like better word choice and improivng the rhythm to fit this
Thanks

well, you have to actually write the poem and I can see the concept and it is intriguing though I am not sure you will be able to get a poetry reader to read through that far without dismissing the entire thing and - and this is a big and - to pull it off, the remainder non-cliché part will need to be of a skill level so high that it will need to assert without doubt that was the goal, but I am game to work it out with you if you want, what assistance can I offer?

thanks man
so i think we can try going like quatrain by quatrain
and yeah the 2nd staza will be very hard
but we can start with the first quatrain first

I wanted to express having no choice to fall in love
(i also wanted to do the drive of this being in love with love is lonliness thats why uhh lack of choice and " No torch in hand so he misunderstood")
i tried to put alot of foreshadowing inside within the phrases which is probably why it becamse so awkward.
so maybe the goal here is to set the cliche love poem tone, inject forshadowing and probably express the lack of agency

I do agree that me, yourself and I is something i should keep
i like that part

Maybe you could tell me how i could imrpove to achieve those goals?
Ill get to thinking how i can do those better