Silver Lining

[wasellajam]

Just a lil short poem that i wrote to test the waters of this forum
I have written some poems already but id just like to post smth simple first

Silver lining

today is a cloudy day

the sun is obscured
the world is tinted gray
but i stay inside anyways

the stars are covered
dimming the night sky
but i was sleeping anyways

:edit: pretty new to this so messed up abit of formatting

I tired improving it. hopefully its better

Silver Lining

yesterday was a sunny day

the sky was void of clouds
sunbeams flooding the nearby fields A beautiful scene
but i was going home anyways This implies that the N is just going about his business, not staying out longer to enjoy the sunny day.

today was a cloudy day

cool crisp air like a blanket
the world was tinted grey
but i was staying inside anyways Again a beautiful scene but the N is not going out to enjoy it.

tonight is a rainy night

dripping clouds dissolve
unveiling the sparkling stars Even though it's raining there's beauty out there.

tucked in my sheets Tucked implies comfort
tossing and turning.  But the N is not comfortable

"but i was sleeping anyways" The N doesn't care, shrugging it all off.

Now I'm getting a clear feeling of "The world goes on without me, do I matter?"
The language is lovely, "dripping clouds dissolve"

Also, it's okay to bump a thread to announce a new edit if you are looking for addition crit.

Also idk why i didnt say this earlier but although it is nice that my poem has improved, do i matter wasnt really the effect i was going for. It was rather that being unable to find joy in the world through the weather despite how beautiful or comforting it is, and the speaker is just dismissing engaging amd finding that joy quickly. I had the idea of putting the quotations on the last line already but im not sure if it was too direct. I thought the repitition was enough but apparantly not. Do you think there are other ways to make this clearer and what makes the "do i matter" stand out more than my intended outcome? Though on the other hand i like the openess of it too...

So I've walked you through my read, not every reader gets the same thing out of a poem, my interpretation is my own.

was rather that being unable to find joy in the world through the weather despite how beautiful or comforting it is, and the speaker is just dismissing engaging and finding that joy quickly.

I'm not getting the joy, it reads as resignation for me, the N sees all the beauty but isn't part of it. I'll think about how you might get joy into it but really it's for you to figure how to express the narrator's joy, it's not an easy thing to pull off. I hope this answers your questions, keep at it.