Silver Lining

[wizzpower]

Just a lil short poem that i wrote to test the waters of this forum
I have written some poems already but id just like to post smth simple first

now, I am unreasonably concerned about our water quality.  Ella!!! - when was the last time the water was tested?

Silver lining

today is a cloudy day

the sun is obscured
the world is tinted gray
but i stay inside anyways

the stars are covered
dimming the night sky
but i was sleeping anyways


:edit: pretty new to this so messed up abit of formatting

So, it is a simple little thing which isn't bad in and of itself.  The "but" and the "anyways" suggest a turn from the expected but the expected is delivered so they just seem poorly placed.  The transition between S1 and 2 is abrupt and inexplicably so.  I thought you forgot the time of day for a minute!  

I think the most interesting part is the end where you state "but I was sleeping anyway".  It might be interesting to wrap a poem around just that metaphor.

Thanks for posting, welcome to the Pen!

thanks for the suggestions and explanation
i really couldve been more succint with my word choices esp since i was trying to do a simple and short one (if you read my other comments youd see why i put the" but"
didnt work out thought)
and i probably shoulve transition better between 2nd and 3rd stanza yeah
it feels hard to be subtle from a writers perspective, i think its because i already have the tone and idea in my head without establishing it properly in the poem and i might just put things too ambigious that only make sense from my specific viewpoint only

i have some idea of improvements, thanks.

---

Yeah I was wanting the title to be ironic, it was the only way to go with it.

Don't worry about explaining your thought process it can only help with further critique of a poem so it's not a problem.

I will say that I think that the 'but i ... anyways' lines are disarming. To me they give the impression of someone who is quite happy to be inside because that's what they were doing 'anyways'... it's the 'but' and the 'anyways' that seem to give that impression, perhaps if it were worded slightly differently it may convey it better. 

Also the melody and rhythm of the first few lines may lull the reader into a nicer interpretation than what you had wanted.

Thanks

yeah i agree that its not be as obvious as i want it to be
i really like that you guys can point out specific things about the poem that makes it worse
way better whatever chatgpt has been saying

thanks

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Just a lil short poem that i wrote to test the waters of this forum
I have written some poems already but id just like to post smth simple first

Silver lining

today is a cloudy day

the sun is obscured
the world is tinted gray
but i stay inside anyways

the stars are covered
dimming the night sky
but i was sleeping anyways


:edit: pretty new to this so messed up abit of formatting

Hi, wiz, I haven't read the previous comments, some notes:

I don't think you need the first line when both strophes are cloudy.
All I can get from this is that it's a blessing not having to go out when it's cloudy, not even storming, but cloudy. There may be a metaphor in there but I can't find it. Hopefully someone else will be more helpful. Good luck with it, welcome to the Pen and thanks for posting.

there was suppoused to be some irony in there but terrible executed (it wasnt suppoused to be a blessing but the speaker just not doing anything with it)
i think i have explained enough in other comments for you to understand if you decided to read
that it's a blessing not having to go out when it's cloudy, not even storming, but cloudy.--> this was really helpful perspective even if others did say it already

thanks