Silver Lining

[milo]

Just a lil short poem that i wrote to test the waters of this forum
I have written some poems already but id just like to post smth simple first

now, I am unreasonably concerned about our water quality.  Ella!!! - when was the last time the water was tested?

Silver lining

today is a cloudy day

the sun is obscured
the world is tinted gray
but i stay inside anyways

the stars are covered
dimming the night sky
but i was sleeping anyways


:edit: pretty new to this so messed up abit of formatting

So, it is a simple little thing which isn't bad in and of itself.  The "but" and the "anyways" suggest a turn from the expected but the expected is delivered so they just seem poorly placed.  The transition between S1 and 2 is abrupt and inexplicably so.  I thought you forgot the time of day for a minute!  

I think the most interesting part is the end where you state "but I was sleeping anyway".  It might be interesting to wrap a poem around just that metaphor.

Thanks for posting, welcome to the Pen!