Silver Lining

[wizzpower]

Just a lil short poem that i wrote to test the waters of this forum
I have written some poems already but id just like to post smth simple first

Silver lining

today is a cloudy day

the sun is obscured
the world is tinted gray
but i stay inside anyways

the stars are covered
dimming the night sky
but i was sleeping anyways


:edit: pretty new to this so messed up abit of formatting

Hi wizz, welcome to the Pigpen this is a nice enough little ditty here with some nice rhymes.
Some might say that the title is a cliche especially when the poem mentions clouds.
If I were to be really pedantic I would ask how you knew it was cloudy when you were asleep, but it's no big deal.
Could you use 'today is a cloudy day' as a refrain and then change it to 'today was a cloudy day' at the end?

Just a couple of thoughts.

Cheers for posting

im not tryna argue or anything but just share my thought process and reasoning behind what i do

the title is suppoused to subvert things because the silver lining here (usually positive) is (at least suppoused to be) dismissive and not actually postive
from my writing perspective it does seem abit forced sometimes when i try to apply devices or do things like this (subverting) , especially if it doesnt come natural
i think i tried to not make it cliche ig ? but now i can see how the dismissive and somewhat pessimistic view isnt the most obvious lol

I feel like adding "today was a cloudy day" end would sort of give it closure and circular kinda thing ( as a lit student that has a unseen poetry test tmr its pretty concerning i dont know how to express this properly lol) which might ruin the "ugh" feel that im tryna go for. maybe it sort of allows the" it was a cloudy day" to dwell for too long and not show how it is dismissed quickly.  I was tryna make it feel like a fleeting thought that shows unmotivation and abit of pessimism

I do see how adding that extra line makes it sound better and more musical i think? but im not sure if it impacts the effect im trying to go for

Thx for commenting btw. new perspectives are always great