This is when it hurts

[wasellajam]

OK, the first poem I've ever written. Some lines taken from a song lyric I wrote but restructured to a poetic form - I hope.
I think it needs an ending, and probably many other things too!
Have at it!




Her coffee cup sits lonely on the counter
Its lipstick kiss still smiles at me
The kitchen clock ticks round and round without her
This is when it hurts


Not in the knock down drag out fight
Not in the angry scream and shout
But on a quiet Sunday morning
As the bright new day is dawning
This is when it hurts


Her laughter used to fill this room
Now silence takes its place
I turn around to talk to her
And find an empty space
This is when it hurts

Hi, John, nice first offering! You can consider cutting all the "This is when it hurts" lines, you already said it in your title and I don't know that you even need it there, for me the poem successfully says it on its own.

L1: I don't think you need lonely, the cup isn't lonely, the N is. You could either cut it or replace it with something that implies how long it's been there, or implies something else.

L2: This line made the poem for me, please protect it in any edits.

L3: It can stand as is but the clock has always been ticking, if you lose L4 you might use that space to describe how it's different now, louder? noticed when it wasn't? or drop the "and around without her" down. You have a lot of options to make the idea a little more original.

L8: You may not need both bright and new.

L10: Possibly filled instead of used to fill.

L 13: possibly a different way to say "empty space".  End there.

Something every poet has to think about: Whether or not capitalization and punctuation, or the lack of it, adds to or takes away from the poem. 

I enjoyed reading your poem, it will be interesting to see if you decide to make any changes. If you do edit do it gently and from your own idea of what could improve the poem. I hope you enjoy the process.