she smiles - edit4

[milo]

edit;


she smiles
and feeling so relieved for her
in that warm swift moment
I must cry except
it’s gone before my tears can well

then returning terror locks
her features tight
knowing only that she cannot
understand or put a name
to anything she sees

dementia fades into
waking unconsciousness
with its peaceful smile
until unfocused mindfulness–
sight without sense–
returns in fear

not damnation
since neither deserved
nor endless

---

Thanks to both critics.  Tried to apply as much as possible from the advice without  pushing it too hard.  

For @wasellajam:  Tried just putting a white line after the first line and it sort of worked but looked like a title, so I went with laying out who was doing what to avoid confusion.  Also tried punctuation, mainly commas, and it suggested changing the line breaks to match but I didn't like the result.

(Later)

For @milo:  I see where you're coming from, but your comment came in while I was off working with the other critiques.  This would be stronger, maybe a bit more mysterious at first, if the whole of S3 were simply cut.  As a minimum, add "her" to the beginning of S3?  Taken under advisement, and a very incisive critique.  As to why, as Sherlock said, I lack the gift of the true artist:  knowing when to stop. 

yes, my comment hit at the same time as your edit.  i was putting off saying anything as I wasn't sure it added value but then I decided that you have been so generous with your own comments it made sense to at least offer what I could.

I will now read the edit a few times and see if I have anything else to offer.