Staying Warm

[milo]

Hi. First thread on here. I've been trying to write poetry for a while, but really most of it ends up more like aphorism. I took one such attempt and tried to make it more poetic by making it longer, more metric (is that the right word for having meter?), and tried to fit in a few rhymes. I'd definitely appreciate feedback on those aspects as well as the poem's concept, theming, and respective execution thereof. Thanks in advance!

Hello and welcome to the pen.  First - that is a great strategy: Take an idea and write it out in different forms - it can really reveal a lot.  Second - if measuring our iambs in centimeters instead of feet we do call it metric (sorry, that was a terrible joke).

The first thing I noticed and it was already called out by Busker was the use of ellision marks - a practice that went out of fashion a few hundred years ago and comes off as affectatious to modern poetry readers.  Here is my take on it, if the word naturally ellides and the meter calls for it, your reader will ellide without really even thinking about it.  If not - you need to perform a little metric surgery on your line.

Staying Warm

Wet and cold and hungry
My sleeves and collar torn
From gripping doubt and mis'ry
I peacef'lly slip come morn

So I can sense the root cause of your troubles almost immediately - you are attempting to shoehorn complete thoughts into trimeter (3 metric feet per line).  That is a challenge - I suggest you let your lines breathe  - inflating out to four or even a full five feet per line.  As far as content - looks like your narrator had a tough night: wet, cold, hungry, clothes in tatters.  Then he peacefully slips out of this situation come day break (I would suggest eliminating the use of morn if at all possible)  Who is this fellow?  A werewolf?  Dr Jekyll? I am at the edge of my seat with anticipation.

Moonlight in your smile
Your eyes a starry host
Tender warmth of your embrace
Brings dawn o'er hill to coast

ok, maybe not a werewolf or the esteemed Dr Jekyll after all.  This strophe is completely inconsistent with the previous.  This narrator seems like they are enjoying moonlight smiles and starry nights and tender embraces that summon the dawn.  This type of inconsistency breaks the bond of trust between narrator and reader.

The moon and stars become my friends
And whisper many things
And when to them my ear I lend
I jump and dance and sing

So in the rain I have my fun
And think of you, my sun

So there are some meter problems with switching back and forth between 4 and 3 feet here but that is not the real problem.  There is a serious issue with your logic train throughout the whole poem.  It feels like you were shoehorning it in to your structure.

The second problem is your imagery and metaphors and phrasing.  These are not new, they have been done dozens of time.  I would say work toward having a unique interesting take on something - it doesn't need to be the moon or the stars or anything - more of an "did you ever notice how this is like that?"

Anyway - it is a valiant effort, writing poetry is NOT easy but more than worth the payoff and you seem to have a natural talent for rhythm and sound.

Thanks for posting