Staying Warm

[wasellajam]

Hi, Anima and welcomed to the Pen. Learning to use rhyme and meter to support the poem as opposed to being a distraction is challenging and fun. There are many threads here that discuss this and many examples of poems that work brilliantly and plenty that are not as successful. In the workshops and practice threads you can see members working to improve,  they really help me when I'm trying to wrap my head around working with forms. Some notes on your poem:

Hi. First thread on here. I've been trying to write poetry for a while, but really most of it ends up more like aphorism. I took one such attempt and tried to make it more poetic by making it longer, more metric (is that the right word for having meter?), and tried to fit in a few rhymes. I'd definitely appreciate feedback on those aspects as well as the poem's concept, theming, and respective execution thereof. Thanks in advance!


Staying Warm

Wet and cold and hungry
My sleeves and collar torn
From gripping doubt and mis'ry
I peacef'lly slip come morn
Is this a restless night but peaceful morning? The ands in L1 seem to be just filler words, you can probably think of a better line. The shortened words are awkward and really don't make a difference in meter which uses stress and where it falls as opposed to syllable count. I know this because it's something I struggle with too.

Moonlight in your smile
Your eyes a starry host
Tender warmth of your embrace
Brings dawn o'er hill to coast
Again, night into morning. This reads well until the O'er.  L3 you've lost your rhyme.

The moon and stars become my friends
And whisper many things
And when to them my ear I lend
I jump and dance and sing
This has issues. "many things" tell me nothing, what is being whispered? L3 is inverted but even "lend an ear" is cliche. L4 has the ands again and you can probably think of a more interesting way to say this.

So in the rain I have my fun
And think of you, my sun
I don't know where the rain comes in as the rest goes night to day.

So, you have an idea to work with, I haven't read the explanation you posted because I want the poem to speak for itself but I hope my notes are helpful. Happy to have you here and thanks for posting this, and for the critiques you've left for others, that's how the site works and it's a great learning tool.