Staying Warm

[Anima]

Hi. First thread on here. I've been trying to write poetry for a while, but really most of it ends up more like aphorism. I took one such attempt and tried to make it more poetic by making it longer, more metric (is that the right word for having meter?), and tried to fit in a few rhymes. I'd definitely appreciate feedback on those aspects as well as the poem's concept, theming, and respective execution thereof. Thanks in advance!


Staying Warm

Wet and cold and hungry
My sleeves and collar torn
From gripping doubt and mis'ry
I peacef'lly slip come morn

Moonlight in your smile
Your eyes a starry host
Tender warmth of your embrace
Brings dawn o'er hill to coast

The moon and stars become my friends
And whisper many things
And when to them my ear I lend
I jump and dance and sing

So in the rain I have my fun
And think of you, my sun

I like that you've attempted a sonnet and followed a rhyming scheme. It's a good way to start off.
A few observations:

1. Abbreviations like mis'ry and peacf'lly are not needed. Back in the day, words were pronounced quite differently, and often there wasn't an actual standard. So "misery" could well have been pronounced as both "mi-say-ree" and "mizree". The abbreviations were actual exclusions of entire syllables. Today, "misery" is always "miz-ur-ee" or "mizree", and both rhyme with "hungry"....to a certain extent. Coming to 'peacef'lly' - the metre is the same with or without the abbreviation

2. The poem itself is a bit difficult to follow. You're not dreaming, because you're slipping from pain and misery come morn (not 'till morn'). It's unclear then how you're dancing with the moon and stars. It reads like a dream sequence, but the way it's set up is confusing. Maybe some better word choices could help.

Thanks for the feedback Busker! I appreciate the information in the first part very much. “peacf’lly” is supposed to be read “peace-flee” so as to be two syllables instead of three.

To try and clear up the confusion, this is not supposed to be a dream sequence. The narrator’s lover is the sun, so when they’re not around, it’s night. 

First stanza - N is suffering without love.. First two lines are meant to evoke bodily images representative of the emotional pain stated in L. All of that goes away come morning — ie when the lover enters his life..

Second stanza - The transition from S1 to S2 is the part I feel the shakiest about tbh. Does not feel like it flows, and the info here feels like necessary exposition for the previous stanza, although maybe this kind of recontextualization as you read has its own value. This stanza is meant to set up the central metaphor. The lover’s embrace brings dawn. I hoped that would make the meaning of the last line of S1 more clear.

Third stanza - we return to the night setting of the first stanza. Only now the narrator has the moon and stars to keep him company which his beloved was just compared to in S2. I was kind of thinking of this as being the thought of the lover that keeps him going and lightens his load. Also, the moon reflects the sun’s light, and the stars are like far off suns, so it’s like the lover entering his life has brought light (love) into his world. Perhaps I could set this up in the first stanza by referencing a dark night or something?

Fourth stanza - wraps up and makes a little more explicit (I hope) the idea of the third. The narrator is dancing in the same rain which oppressed him in the first stanza. And he’s able to do it because he’s thinking of his love. I’d also hoped the last line would make the central metaphor pretty explicit.

Thanks again for the feedback. I hope this makes a little more sense. I’d love to hear how I could make these ideas more immediately obvious.