02-09-2026, 02:46 AM
Hello palifan-
some in-line comments, below:
When the needle hits the record,
and that old song starts to spin off to a good start
That's when all those
under-midnight-moon
close-dance-ending too soon-feelings too many dashes for me. this could be shortened for more impact.
come again.
It was our song,
for so long,
that I almost forget
there was a day,
a solitude before I knew you,
before we met. don't think you need those lines
Then you left,
I am broken.
And then,
and then, For me, the poem gets soft in the bolded section. and then, and then isn't necessary. Better to show how you're broken than telling. Perhaps describe some action that conveys being broken.
the needle hits the record,
and that old song starts to spin The repetition is OK here
We're pressed together, pressed sounds clumsy
hand in hand,
and just like way back when,
morning moon lands too soon. Questioning how the moon lands. ??
Where are those Sundays in bed?
Now, instead,
I just wait..
for your memory, that needle that hits my lonely groove, the bolded part is the only part of interest to me
(Why can’t I move on?)
and our old song for so long
starts spinning…
The needle hits the record
and that old song starts to spin... You could end the poem here, to avoid too many repetitions
That's when all those under-midnight-moon close-dance-feelings Too many dashes again
come again.
The needle hits the record,
and that old song starts to spin Ending here is good, but you'd need to need to lose earlier repetitions to make it effectivei
The central idea is pretty cool- playing a certain record, but you bulid around it with a lot of abstractions. Concrete imagery would work better. Look closely and find areas to trim, while expanding uopn what happens when the needle hits the record. Repeating that line at the end works as long as you don't wear out that record within the body of the poem. This could be a much stronger poem with more attention to detail.
Respectfully,
Mark
some in-line comments, below:
When the needle hits the record,
and that old song starts to spin off to a good start
That's when all those
under-midnight-moon
close-dance-ending too soon-feelings too many dashes for me. this could be shortened for more impact.
come again.
It was our song,
for so long,
that I almost forget
there was a day,
a solitude before I knew you,
before we met. don't think you need those lines
Then you left,
I am broken.
And then,
and then, For me, the poem gets soft in the bolded section. and then, and then isn't necessary. Better to show how you're broken than telling. Perhaps describe some action that conveys being broken.
the needle hits the record,
and that old song starts to spin The repetition is OK here
We're pressed together, pressed sounds clumsy
hand in hand,
and just like way back when,
morning moon lands too soon. Questioning how the moon lands. ??
Where are those Sundays in bed?
Now, instead,
I just wait..
for your memory, that needle that hits my lonely groove, the bolded part is the only part of interest to me
(Why can’t I move on?)
and our old song for so long
starts spinning…
The needle hits the record
and that old song starts to spin... You could end the poem here, to avoid too many repetitions
That's when all those under-midnight-moon close-dance-feelings Too many dashes again
come again.
The needle hits the record,
and that old song starts to spin Ending here is good, but you'd need to need to lose earlier repetitions to make it effectivei
The central idea is pretty cool- playing a certain record, but you bulid around it with a lot of abstractions. Concrete imagery would work better. Look closely and find areas to trim, while expanding uopn what happens when the needle hits the record. Repeating that line at the end works as long as you don't wear out that record within the body of the poem. This could be a much stronger poem with more attention to detail.
Respectfully,
Mark