02-06-2026, 01:38 PM
(01-24-2026, 07:57 AM)yourlocalaliyen Wrote: I felt strangewhich you shined with fervor.
a few months into our relationship.
It was just a feeling at first
soft and wrong, like a whisper in the dark.
Something was off with you.
I was lovestruck at first.
We danced.
We kissed.
We did all the right things
at all the right moments.
Then you fell face-first into sin.
Happened to fast for me to catch.
Liquor in the morning, like fire in your throat.
Wine at night, glittering in its glass
against the firelight.
Our 'perfect' relationship unraveled
like a broken cassette tape.
Soon it was the little things.
The constant texts and calls.
The, "where the fuck were you?"
I thought it was sweet, my naive, young self.
Your "concern" had warmed my heart.
I felt loved then.
Slowly, however, it snowballed into a nightmare
rising like a tsunami and swallowing me whole.
You picked my clothes.
Most of my closet vanished like smoke.
You thought form-fitting dresses would attract
unwanted
attention to your lovely porcelain doll
which you shined with fervor.
You whispered sweet nothings in its ear.
Your smile was cold and empty.
The smile sent shivers down its spine.
Still, even as your fingers caressed its skin with a delicate touch
you knew your beloved doll was bruised.
Cracked in places.
Its heart shattered into
millions of little pieces
it didn't bother trying to pick up.
(Hey, I kinda disappeared for a little bit, and I know this one is a little long. I did my best to stick to the point since my original draft was much longer than this. I'd love some constructive criticism! Thank you!)
Really nice image. Gets across the idea of the partner's obsessiveness very well
You whispered sweet nothings in its ear.
Maybe remove "sweet nothings"? I think the effect is just as strong without it.
Your smile was cold and empty.
The smile sent shivers down its spine.
The idea of an item with an obsessed owner being just as weirded out by the owner's behavior by everyone else is cool. Perfect metaphor for the situation you're describing.
Still, even as your fingers caressed its skin with a delicate touch
you knew your beloved doll was bruised.
Cracked in places.
Its heart shattered I think putting the line break here instead of after "into" might work a little better. into
millions of little pieces
it didn't bother trying to pick up.
