Dragonfly's Reunion edit 2

[wasellajam]

Hello ella

Here we have a poem comparing memories (or forgetfulness) to a dragonfly skimming over a pond.  It is a great metaphor.As for the title, I am unsure about "reunion".  On the plus side, I think it helped me understand the poem more.  On the minus side it came across a little campy when I was just reading the title - probably just me though


"sea of . . . face" is both wrong and cliche - 
"memories flick the air and land" - this is a big question mark for me. I get that we need the concept of memories here, I just am very uncertain about the anthropomorphication. Also - that isn't just filler in this case it is disconnection.  Rolling wave of memories flick - not "that flick"


So, here we have the solidification of how memories can fade but then also of how we can become blind to them. Another "that" though not as egregious.


I actually love the metaphor here and I think you are on the right path.  I am not sure if it is necessarily memories or relationships or memories of relationships because I think it works for all 3 - reunion makes me think relationships.  

I think a lot of it needs revision.  Specifically for passive voice, padding and awkwardness as well as to try to spin some turns of phrase.  I do think it is worth the effort though - you have something very interesting here and the metaphor could certainly be very effective.

Thanks for posting

Yay! a metaphor with a fighting chance. I'm glad I put it up early for help with the focus and I'd rather work on it with the Pen than alone. I'll certainly take your comments to heart as I edit.

One question: The passive voice. I started with I then switched to she to soften it, do you think it would work better to cut the human view altogether?

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment.

I am not sure - when I speak of passive voice I mean phrases like:

"memories that flick the air"  instead of "memories flick the air"
"spindly legs that skim the surface"  instead of "spindly legs skim  . ."
"to skip"
"wing that flies"
"to disappear"
"that spread"
"that should illminate"

etc. . .

Thanks so much for the explanation, I'm rusty. Only the "should" has meaning to me, glad I asked.