8 hours ago
(Yesterday, 02:23 PM)shady Wrote: Woweee this one is really great. I have to be honest I'm reading through this first time, not entirely sure what exactly it's about but oh well here we go
the fallacy of boyhood
a starting line with no end
when will you grow into your height?
when your knees hit your chest and your tears leave your eyes
you shrink smaller
soften a bit
yet your solid outside remains
I'd suggest separating the stanza after the question "when will you grow into your height?" because as i kept reading i thought we're still asking questions
a hard-boiled egg--
shell on
i can not crack you open
not that i even want to
i held you gently even as you dragged me down
i sung in your ear as you mangled my sence of reality
you are magical--
a miraculous success it was
how well you did
not only did you unwind the yarn
but you pulled at the fibers
absolutely destroyed it
until it was unrecognizable
I don't really like the first line here, it tells me too much and I don't want to believe you. Show me why the boy is magical, don't tell me.
i am unrecognizable
the woman i am today
little me
yes, little me
i grow taller
and i hope you don't grow cold in my shadow
but still, i have enough God in my heart that i'd wish warmth for you
Here the last two lines are beautiful. "enough God in my heart?" i have no idea what this one is called in english but it's unusual, it's gorgeous and it works very very well. Im going to be thinking of this for the next two days at least
and i remember the warmth i owe you everytime i say:
...forgive us our trespasses
as we forgive those who trespass against us
because in the end
its your faults, my anger, your shame, my bitterness
and it kills
it kills
it kills.
The switching between each other's wrongs is also a great choice here, it pulls the reader in for a close kiss. The repetition of "it kills" is what I didn't really like though. It comes from nowhere and it shows me nothing. Where does it kill? Who does it kill? Both of you? Just him or just you? Even when these questions are answered maybe decide switching on "they kill"? Since you've named 4 emotions and I'm assuming they're all meant to work together
Overall: strong imagery, beautiful work but some explanations are missing. Keep going! You have the spark already!!