(Today, 04:38 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote: a clearing consider a new title. Very least, "The Clearing", but something like "A Winter Walk" or similarHey Mark,
lost off-trail, a dense tangle could be considered implied if really trying to be terse. Then move 'of brambles' up, maybe
of brambles confuse the path
along an icy creek I like icy as it helps set the tone, but would change 'an' to an actual name of a creek. Make one up!
white-tailed deer drink
as a solitary grey fox appears very nice redirection here
to vanish like vapor
crows issue terse commands
from an ancient oak that stands
sentinel among the pines again, going for the terse observations
nothing I notice consider rewording to 'I notice nothing'. Provides a little redirection but might not be what you are looking for.
seems to notice me
wandering deeper in
your words rearranged:
following the creek
around the bend
until the clearing
a snow covered field
I take a slow breath
and breathe in the stillness
I followi the creek
around the bend until weak way to end a line...
I reach a clearing the clearing
raise a finger to test
the wind, take a long
slow breath
ease my mind
into the stillness
of a snow covered field
Enjoyed the poem. Some great imagery. My suggestions above were meant to mostly continue the terse observational tone of the poem, but not necessary, necessarily. You can read through my suggestions and take what you find useful. I guess the most significant changes came at the end. I think the strongest theme of the poem is that of stillness, so it seemed right to end on that idea. Some things to consider!
Take care,
Bryn
(Today, 04:38 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote: a clearing consider a new title. Very least, "The Clearing", but something like "A Winter Walk" or similarHey Mark,
lost off-trail, a dense tangle could be considered implied if really trying to be terse. Then move 'of brambles' up, maybe
of brambles confuse the path
along an icy creek I like icy as it helps set the tone, but would change 'an' to an actual name of a creek. Make one up!
white-tailed deer drink
as a solitary grey fox appears very nice redirection here
to vanish like vapor
crows issue terse commands
from an ancient oak that stands
sentinel among the pines again, going for the terse observations
nothing I notice consider rewording to 'I notice nothing'. Provides a little redirection but might not be what you are looking for.
seems to notice me
wandering deeper in
your words rearranged:
following the creek
around the bend
until the clearing
a snow covered field
I take a slow breath
and breathe in the stillness
I followi the creek
around the bend until weak way to end a line...
I reach a clearing the clearing
raise a finger to test
the wind, take a long
slow breath
ease my mind
into the stillness
of a snow covered field
Enjoyed the poem. Some great imagery. My suggestions above were meant to mostly continue the terse observational tone of the poem, but not necessary, necessarily. You can read through my suggestions and take what you find useful. I guess the most significant changes came at the end. I think the strongest theme of the poem is that of stillness, so it seemed right to end on that idea. Some things to consider!
Take care,
Bryn