Silence of a jealous mind
#2
Hello and thanks for posting!

You have written a poem here about a sibling jealousy and perhaps the home environment that allows it to fester into a long term trauma. The title is good, draws the reader in as well as introduces the metaphor.

(3 hours ago)Fruitiper Wrote:  lollipop on the ground
my brother cries –
"not what i want"
You start with an image and a metaphor and that is good.  Simple language, easily communicated.  A common enough scenario - nothing stands out but no real issues.  i would strongly suggest trying to swap the quotes for italics just for the aesthetics. It is a good use of lollipop - suggest age.  Would be interesting if you switched it for "sucker" later.

Quote:my mom giving a sigh
gently pushing him back in the shop


a little girl 10 years ago 
crying on the kitchen floor

looked to her father
(never a dad)
no running this time
prepare to cry

So, I would just eliminate the (never a dad) entirely.  Let your narrative do the talking, don't explain to the reader.  If i know a man is beating his young daughter with a belt, that says way more to me that your explanation.  You also have some tense issues that run throughout the whole poem.  You might want to pick a tense and stick with it or at least diagram it out.  I also think you can trim 10 years ago - since we don't know when "now" is, it doesn't really help much. "prepare to cry" sounds weak - I wonder if you can come up with a way to say it stronger and maybe add some double meaning or metaphor here.

Quote:he grabs the belt
and the years go by

i stare at my brother 
with his now ice cream cone

i want to grab it 
and eat it alone

my mom is complaining 
"we barely get by"

i stare at the ice cream 
and years go by

I think 1 statement of "and years go by" is probably enough.  It is an interesting poem and you have a lot to work with.  The language is clear, the narrative is easy enough to follow.

Thanks
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Messages In This Thread
RE: Silence of a jealous mind - by milo - 3 hours ago



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