When the Needle Hits the Record
#2
(Yesterday, 04:26 AM)palifan Wrote:  When the needle hits the record,  -- might be seen as a cliche 
and that old song starts to spin  -- 'that old song' implies that we already know the song, could it be 'our old song'

That's when all those
under-midnight-moon
close-dance-ending too soon-feelings
come again.                              -- I like this stanza on the whole, however the hyphens make it awkward. Careful not to fall into the 'moon, soon, spoon, swoon' cliche too easily

It was our song,
for so long,
that I almost forget
there was a day,    -- 'there was a solitude' is enough to convey this
a solitude before I knew you, -- some redundancy here
before we met.   

Then you left,
I am broken.

And then,
and then,  -- not sure what the repetition adds here 

the needle hits the record,
and that old song starts to spin

We're pressed together,
hand in hand,
and just like way back when,

morning moon lands too soon.  -- careful again with the 'moon, soon' rhymes
Where are those Sundays in bed?

Now, instead,
I just wait..
for your memory, that needle that hits my lonely groove, 
(Why can’t I move on?) -- it's personal I suppose but some think that parentheses are for mathematics
and our old song for so long
starts spinning… -- ellipsis are used to indicate missing text that is usually implied, not sure if your ellipsis is working in this poem.

The needle hits the record
and that old song starts to spin...
That's when all those under-midnight-moon close-dance-feelings
come again.

The needle hits the record,
and that old song starts to spin
I've mostly commented on technical aspects and not so much content, there is a lot of repetition in this that doesn't really add anything to the poem. Some good aspects here that could be developed further.

Cheers for the read.
feedback award wae aye man ye radgie
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Messages In This Thread
When the Needle Hits the Record - by palifan - Yesterday, 04:26 AM
RE: When the Needle Hits the Record - by Magpie - Yesterday, 05:11 AM



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