Fene

[milo]

@milo, thank you again for commenting!

would you say this doesnt work as a cleave poem because its not two different poems acting together to make a third, but rather uses unnecessary spacing for what all is really the same thing?

And would they not work as dizains because I use only two rhymes instead of four?

It reads a little like a cut up which bothers me

Also I dont understand what you mean by feminine rhyme

Yes, to the cleave poem.  To me, it looked like you took a poem and just eliminated half the line breaks and added some spacing.  I have a read a few cleave poems and they usually work as either side and as the complete poem.  Generally, to me anyway, they read a little gimmicky of course I suppose they can be fun.  They seem like a lot of work but what do they say - if you enjoy it you never worked a day or something like that.

So masculine rhyme, the one we are most familiar with, rhymes on the accent of the foot.  The reason this is so popular is because most poetry is anapestic or iambic which means the beat flows right into the next line. Take these four lines by Shakespeare:

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer’s lease hath all too short a date;

This is iambic, it finishes on the beat - daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM so that the next line can pick right up on the da.  This is great for reading because you get a nice rhythm.  
Now your dactylic lines are also finishing on the beat but they pick up on the next beat giving us DUMdada DUMdada DUM

whispering fields by the mill

older than even a clock
slowly infecting livestock        
pleasant and peaceful until
kids then come home with a chill    
forming a few tiny pocks   

You can see how it forces a pause before your next line giving an abrupt stop to the rhythm.  This is used to effect in poetry when the writer wants the reader to pause on a specific thought or at a time but if the writer just keeps doing it, it can feel kind of hurky jerky.

The solution to this for trochaic or dactylic verse is the feminine rhyme.  A feminine rhyme ends on the unaccented syllable

All of the men in our covenant
tend to look red-faced and silly
throw up their arms at the government
keeping one hand on their willy

or whatever, just a bit of nonsense but all feminine rhymes, see how they tend to flow better into the next line.  You can also check out the Double Dactyl threads in the practice section.  Dactylic verse can be hard to maintain for extended periods but there are some tricks.  One is anacrusis - add an unaccented pickup syllable to the beginning of a line which will have the same effect as the feminine rhyme.  Another trick is to write in anapestic or amphibrachic and "slide" the meter.  This is accomplished by adding or removing syllables to the beginning or the end.

Anyway, I am prattling on in your thread, hope I have given you some to think about.

Thanks