01-04-2026, 03:49 AM
Hello and thanks for posting this. The title works for me, it is interesting enough to draw me to the poem.
It looks like you may have been shooting for a Shakespearean Sonnet. I already read the spoiler where you say the meter is off and it is deliberate but for the life of me I can't figure out why. It is pretty close to perfect IP so you could easily enough fix it up. I am going to assume you just don't want comments on the meter and that is fair.
The first line is a what we sometimes call a mixed metaphor. i feel like you wanted to use ember in a poem and mention the sunset. Embers do look a little like a sunset but how do they glow different in sunset's fire than the regular glow of an ember? As a reader, I just can't quite wrap my head around it. You have some cliche sprinkled throughout but maybe you wanted to leave that as well? I will mention them and you can do with it what you wish.
stars align
also, is this a statue? they have gems in their eyes?
We dance in moonlight, her love by my side.
Her words like honey, warm as her embrace.
And swelling like the rising of a tide.
To spend the night upon her peaceful face.
danced in moonlight
words like honey
rising tide
the message continues fine through here, we have an indeterminate "she" - our narrator seems quite fond of her. you are running into the issue that sometimes happens in poetry where our narrator is listing their day in first person real time which creates a strange fakeness.
How do I tell her that I come alive?
How do I show her the Cupid’s arrow?
If words of mine should fail and not arrive,
How do I hold her heart back from sorrow?
Her potion flows through every hidden chamber.
I am the question. She is the answer.
I am a little lost on potion, it might make sense to clear that up for the reader.
Overall, a nice little sonnet, not sure what you are thinking of doing with it, maybe give it to her for a birthday present?
Thanks for posting
It looks like you may have been shooting for a Shakespearean Sonnet. I already read the spoiler where you say the meter is off and it is deliberate but for the life of me I can't figure out why. It is pretty close to perfect IP so you could easily enough fix it up. I am going to assume you just don't want comments on the meter and that is fair.
(12-23-2025, 11:54 PM)whisperer Wrote: She glows like embers in a sunset’s fire,
And smoulders gently under this disguise.
The stars align to dress the night’s attire,
And sparkle like the gems in her eyes.
The first line is a what we sometimes call a mixed metaphor. i feel like you wanted to use ember in a poem and mention the sunset. Embers do look a little like a sunset but how do they glow different in sunset's fire than the regular glow of an ember? As a reader, I just can't quite wrap my head around it. You have some cliche sprinkled throughout but maybe you wanted to leave that as well? I will mention them and you can do with it what you wish.
stars align
also, is this a statue? they have gems in their eyes?
Quote:
We dance in moonlight, her love by my side.
Her words like honey, warm as her embrace.
And swelling like the rising of a tide.
To spend the night upon her peaceful face.
danced in moonlight
words like honey
rising tide
the message continues fine through here, we have an indeterminate "she" - our narrator seems quite fond of her. you are running into the issue that sometimes happens in poetry where our narrator is listing their day in first person real time which creates a strange fakeness.
Quote:
How do I tell her that I come alive?
How do I show her the Cupid’s arrow?
If words of mine should fail and not arrive,
How do I hold her heart back from sorrow?
Her potion flows through every hidden chamber.
I am the question. She is the answer.
I am a little lost on potion, it might make sense to clear that up for the reader.
Overall, a nice little sonnet, not sure what you are thinking of doing with it, maybe give it to her for a birthday present?
Thanks for posting