Yesterday, 12:28 AM
First of all, a beautiful conveyance of revelation.
Here's what feels like some minor issues to me:
"His heat" — I think "warmth" might be more appropriate of the Saviour;
"It shocked me silent as I knelt. / Away I ran ..." — maybe I'm misunderstanding something, but this feels like it just does not follow: fright and retreat before a divine revelation can be a genuine reaction, but if that's what's being meant here, I think it can not be just thrown in as a passing line, as running away immediately after kneeling in shocked silence makes the scene and narration erratic;
"His voice drowned each breath I drew" — as an ESL I might be mistaken, but I think "drowned" is still only one syllable, so changing "each" to "every" might fix the rhythm.
Hope this is useful, I'm not accustomed to critiquing anything.
Here's what feels like some minor issues to me:
"His heat" — I think "warmth" might be more appropriate of the Saviour;
"It shocked me silent as I knelt. / Away I ran ..." — maybe I'm misunderstanding something, but this feels like it just does not follow: fright and retreat before a divine revelation can be a genuine reaction, but if that's what's being meant here, I think it can not be just thrown in as a passing line, as running away immediately after kneeling in shocked silence makes the scene and narration erratic;
"His voice drowned each breath I drew" — as an ESL I might be mistaken, but I think "drowned" is still only one syllable, so changing "each" to "every" might fix the rhythm.
Hope this is useful, I'm not accustomed to critiquing anything.