fathers

[dukealien]

at night, I snuck down like a thief  "snuck" an informality that sets a tone
you took a picture of me
stealing pictures in my grief
and just to show you loved me  setting the (father?) up as affectionate

you shared with me your whiskey toast  which the enjambment modifies and embroiders
upon your breath, your flame
and then to show you loved me most
you took away my name  amid the story turns and reversals, the meter in this stanza is exact

Oh father thou, oh father thou
I eat the flesh and drink the blood
and if you could be with me now
I’d take the lash and take the good  this line shocks on different levels - the eye-rhyme, the surprise of the whip

bread and wine is bread and wine
bread touches bread and no one bothers
your blood is yours and mine is mine
but everyone must kill their fathers  this line is very good, and important, but still problematic - see below


Did you know – oh, did you know
where Trojans go? Well, but of course
if you look within the book
you’ll find them there, they’ve grown quite horse.  This stanza is playful in its allusions

I’ll lay this raft upon the waters
laden with your severed head
wrapped in lace as my three daughters
skip double dutch and rhyme me dead  the playfulness continues

In moderate critique, this is engaging and could be more disquieting if it didn't let the reader off with apparent humor.  Rhyme is used neatly and, mostly, unobtrusively; so is meter, with deft variations.  Very nice.

The theme of murdering the father is very Freudian and discovered with a turn here (much as Freud himself allegedly discovered it).

Use of italics is effective - here they imply a heightened tone, maybe a little histrionic when addressing the father-icon more directly, even nattering a bit.  It almost seems, with the repetitions on first line of the middle stanzas, that the speaker is orating, a device rather than sincere disapproval or hate.  (In fact, there may be a degree of insincerity throughout, which gives the piece added depth.)

Two spots for consideration:  first and foremost, that important line, "but everyone must kill their fathers."  It is, of course, grammatically problematic since "everyone" is, perversely but definitely, singular (compare with "everyone must kill his father").  But you can't say that for the sake of the rhyme with "brothers," and treating "everyone" as plural widens its effect.   Fortunately (or designedly) informality was introduced right at the beginning, so informal grammar on the part of the speaker has a foundation.  In any case, the only edit that comes to mind is replacing "their" with "the," better grammar but altering the meaning.

And second, "double dutch" on the last line.  My spell-checker insists "dutch" should be capitalized; I disagree.  But I do think it should be "double-dutch," hyphenated, which finesses that idea and provides the reader with a little direction in a crowded line.

That's all I've got.  Enjoyed it.