12-30-2025, 10:51 PM
First, let me say that it is quite an achievement to attempt structured (formal) poetry in a separate language.
Because I think this is your primary concern, I will focus mostly on the mechanics for now and leave things like content, word choice, cliche, ets for another day
your predominant meter through this first stanza is iambic quadrameter. (daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM) and your rhyme scheme is abab The first line is anapestic trimeter with a catalexis on the first foot (daDUM dadaDUM dadaDUM) or at least that is how I would say it so you want to fix that one here. Now you could just pad it like: I felt that I could dance the night as an example of perfect meter. You could also just eliminate "I felt" as it is not really that strong if you wanted more space to play with: you and I could dance the night which is still not great and it does make it more obvious that the next line starts with "the day" so you may want to fix that at some point
The days flew by, and years ran fast,
First the love, then the doubt.
This time was bright, but also vast,
And then we began to softly shove.
you are still (mostly) iambic tetrameter here other than the last line but there is a concern with your last line as your rhyme has switched to abac.
Some options might be to move "shove" to the end of the line as it does definitely rhyme with "love" with time our doubt would follow love or something similar. Now we just need to fix the meter on the last line. Currently it is daDUM dadaDUM daDUM daDUM, pulling "then" out fixes it easily enough, and we began to softly shove
Words cut sharp, and fights came true,
I hurt you hard, I was not true.
Time dragged slow, and tempers flared,
Yet hearts remained through all despair.
Here your meter is mostly good, if you wanted to correct to perfect meter (a good idea for practice), we could just pad one syllable in front of L1 and 3 as so: The words cut sharp and fights came true and Then time dragged slow and tempers flared.
It is going to be a little harder to correct the rhymes as you now have aabb with L4 being a slant rhyme. One solution might be just to rearrange the lines as so:
Words cut sharp, and fights came true,
Time dragged slow, and tempers flared,
I hurt you hard, I was not true
Yet hearts remained through all despair.
to fix the you-you rhyme just pick any other word that rhymes with it
In the deep trough of silence, we wander alone,
Our hearts drift slowly through the quiet pain.
No words remain to hold us; the love is now gone,
And time moves forward while we drift far, alone.
the meter in this last section has wandered much like our unhappy couple and the rhyme scheme as well has gone off path.
For the meter:
In troughs of silence passed alone
our hearts drift slowly through the pain
no words remain the love is gone
as time moves on we drift alone
and then to fix the rhyme you could use our old switcheroo trick:
In troughs of silence passed alone
the love is gone, no words remain
as time moves on we drift alone
our hearts drift slowly through the pain
This is my first attempt - I tried to apply classic methods of poetry in a non native language and still convey a feeling
IT WAS A PAIN IN THE ASS
Now I would like to carefully note - I am not in any way attempting to rewrite or "fix" your poem, that is the writer's burden to bear. I am merely including examples to demonstrate what fixed meter and rhyme might look like.
Good luck with it
Thanks
Because I think this is your primary concern, I will focus mostly on the mechanics for now and leave things like content, word choice, cliche, ets for another day
(12-30-2025, 03:27 PM)Roggen Wrote: I felt I could dance through the night,
The day we met beneath the sky.
We swore we’d never have a fight,
And lay in bed while time slipped by.
your predominant meter through this first stanza is iambic quadrameter. (daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM) and your rhyme scheme is abab The first line is anapestic trimeter with a catalexis on the first foot (daDUM dadaDUM dadaDUM) or at least that is how I would say it so you want to fix that one here. Now you could just pad it like: I felt that I could dance the night as an example of perfect meter. You could also just eliminate "I felt" as it is not really that strong if you wanted more space to play with: you and I could dance the night which is still not great and it does make it more obvious that the next line starts with "the day" so you may want to fix that at some point
Quote:
The days flew by, and years ran fast,
First the love, then the doubt.
This time was bright, but also vast,
And then we began to softly shove.
you are still (mostly) iambic tetrameter here other than the last line but there is a concern with your last line as your rhyme has switched to abac.
Some options might be to move "shove" to the end of the line as it does definitely rhyme with "love" with time our doubt would follow love or something similar. Now we just need to fix the meter on the last line. Currently it is daDUM dadaDUM daDUM daDUM, pulling "then" out fixes it easily enough, and we began to softly shove
Quote:
Words cut sharp, and fights came true,
I hurt you hard, I was not true.
Time dragged slow, and tempers flared,
Yet hearts remained through all despair.
Here your meter is mostly good, if you wanted to correct to perfect meter (a good idea for practice), we could just pad one syllable in front of L1 and 3 as so: The words cut sharp and fights came true and Then time dragged slow and tempers flared.
It is going to be a little harder to correct the rhymes as you now have aabb with L4 being a slant rhyme. One solution might be just to rearrange the lines as so:
Words cut sharp, and fights came true,
Time dragged slow, and tempers flared,
I hurt you hard, I was not true
Yet hearts remained through all despair.
to fix the you-you rhyme just pick any other word that rhymes with it
Quote:
In the deep trough of silence, we wander alone,
Our hearts drift slowly through the quiet pain.
No words remain to hold us; the love is now gone,
And time moves forward while we drift far, alone.
the meter in this last section has wandered much like our unhappy couple and the rhyme scheme as well has gone off path.
For the meter:
In troughs of silence passed alone
our hearts drift slowly through the pain
no words remain the love is gone
as time moves on we drift alone
and then to fix the rhyme you could use our old switcheroo trick:
In troughs of silence passed alone
the love is gone, no words remain
as time moves on we drift alone
our hearts drift slowly through the pain
Quote:
This is my first attempt - I tried to apply classic methods of poetry in a non native language and still convey a feeling
IT WAS A PAIN IN THE ASS
Now I would like to carefully note - I am not in any way attempting to rewrite or "fix" your poem, that is the writer's burden to bear. I am merely including examples to demonstrate what fixed meter and rhyme might look like.
Good luck with it
Thanks