Smiles From the Tree of the Buddha

[milo]

Hello

Love to see new members looking for feedback!

Inviting any and all critiques on how to improve this piece. New to critique and editing poems, but looking to learn as quick as I can. Thank you.


Smiles From the Tree of the Buddha
Upon this place do I look
Downward or from above
I cannot tell

The title imo is fantastic!

The diction here is kind of convoluted and I think you may be doing this to sound poetic, but I don't think it's necessary.

Upon literally means up on, is this what your narrator wants to say?

 
I see pretty girls moving about
Men running to entertain
And others hidden under the table
 
I look around and about
Inwards or outwards
I cannot tell
 
I see bottles of wine
And the garden grapevines
The rain is red and everyone is dancing
 
I look at you
Standing there
Caressing the world with your eyes

So, there is a problem with first person present tense narration and it definitely shows through here after multiple observations.  It starts to feel very fake and farcical to read someone narrating every move:

I am getting the bread.  I am putting it into the toaster.  I am cracking a beer.  I am buttering the toast.  I am drinking the beer.  all of the narrator uncertainty is starting to feel like a cinematic dream - 

am I looking down or up?

am I looking inwards or outwards.  We are relying on this narrator for fair reportage and they seem confused AF.

Caressing the world with your eyes feels either cliche or naff.

 
The crowd parades past
As we stand in a different time
Impervious to their attention
 
So serene are you
As if you have found the secret
Hidden in the tree of the Buddha

I am of the opinion that phrases like " so serene are you" should be avoided in poetry.  More naturally this would be "you are so serene".  This is still clunky - is there a metaphor or some way to compare the object to serenity rather than just saying it?

 
You look at me
And your smile endears
Its soft tenderness binds me

"endears" is definitely the wrong word here as it needs a direct object, did you men endures?  I am not sure

 
Now I see the world
As you help me climb
Atop the happy fat man’s tree

I don't know, it is a start but much of it seems to lack intent.  The author seems unsure so the narrator seems unsure.  

Thanks