12-30-2025, 08:36 AM
I enjoy how this made me feel which is why I wanted to comment. The imagery is engaging and I understand the sense of disassociation that you were going for from the surroundings between the two subjects. An ethereal encounter moving toward a facsimile of nirvana or enlightenment in its weight.
There’s a lot of active language which is great. The imagery is engaging. My greatest critique is not the style or thought, but the little things like some unnecessary words and clumsy phrasing that could make this actually a more fun and realized thought. For instance the first stanza tells us something, but it would be better if it added to the scene by showing us somehow that topsy turvy feeling of not knowing up from down. Juxtaposed with what comes after it just feels a bit like it needs more punch.
All around an enjoyable read and I’m glad you posted it!
There’s a lot of active language which is great. The imagery is engaging. My greatest critique is not the style or thought, but the little things like some unnecessary words and clumsy phrasing that could make this actually a more fun and realized thought. For instance the first stanza tells us something, but it would be better if it added to the scene by showing us somehow that topsy turvy feeling of not knowing up from down. Juxtaposed with what comes after it just feels a bit like it needs more punch.
All around an enjoyable read and I’m glad you posted it!