The Misfire

[milo]

Hello There

The Misfire

I think about the way you laugh,
not this neon bracelet.
A nurse says to someone passing the open door
it’s a front line Friday again.
I look out the window. I see the university
so well-lit it could have a racing track, too
invisible cars going around.

so, you have a bit of narration going on here.  Much of it is introspective (in the narrator's head) and not overly interesting to a reader. Consider the neon bracelet - is this a metaphor?  Is it symbolism?  Does it allude to something larger that will make this more expansive than it is?  Every line is end-stopped.  Line breaks are landing at the ends of thoughts.  What would it look like if written out in prose?

I think about the way you laugh, not this neon bracelet. A nurse says to someone passing the open door it’s a front line Friday again. I look out the window. I see the university so well-lit it could have a racing track, too invisible cars going around.

It looks like prose (and not too interesting prose).  I am of the opinion that chopping prose up doesn't make it any more poetic.

I think about the way you laugh,
not the university.
Years ago my English professor
asked me what Stein meant when she
called front line soldiers dough-boys,
if it was her way of looking at sex. I said no,
happy to play lesbian translator. She says dough-boys
like a pity: they’re only men, no
meat on the hips like the rest of us.

The first line has turned into a refrain.  I think it needs to be stronger to be more interesting.  I am not sure it is a cliché but if not it is teetering on the edge. As for the rest, it seems your narrator is maybe attempting to "walk" through her life to contrast that to her current situation.  Stein is introduced but falls away fast in her importance.  I vaguely recall reading some Gertrude Stein at some point and I googled it along with dough boys to see if I could understand how you were trying to strengthen the poem here but I couldn't figure it out. TBH - there seem to be a lot of red herrings here.

I think about the way you laugh,
then I move to the top floor. 
Here they’ll take away paperwork
like it’s a blue book, they put unknown
for the rest and it’s accurate.

ok, it is a hospital/dying relation poem.  They are tedious for sure, but I think you could work harder to capture it.  Also, for me at least, the refrain starts to grate, my mind is starting to filter it out as if it doesn't exist.

When you’re asked what you want
you feel the stringy pause
after you say I’d like to know what’s going
on, a diagnosis.

They’ll say, you grew up in a war zone 
your stress has softened your head.
You pity them. They’re only men, explaining
what it’s like to be made of dough.

Do they ask what you want on the top floor of a hospital?
"you feel the stringy pause" - who is pausing?  If they are asking "you" a question, they are pausing, so they wouldnt be feeling th pause but they would be pausing.  Also, - stringy -IDK how to process that.  If it is supposed to be an image, I am not getting it at all.

"They'll say . . ." - who will say this? Some detail would be nice so your reader can experience this as well
I guess it is "they" that are only men explaining what it is like to be made out of dough?  What a pity, I guess

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This is very much a draft, and I feel the meaning is unclear. What is your interpretation, dear reader?

TBH - the meaning is very unclear but I don't think that is the biggest problem here.  I have read many great poems where the meaning wasn't clear, I feel the biggest issues here are that the poem is not engaging enough, it lack interesting imagery or language, attention to sound or other such devices that produce an enjoyable read.  The narrator is unclear.  The second person is unclear.  But worse, neither of them are that interesting.  You thinking about someone laughing isn't interesting unless you ground them and I don't think you have accomplished that here.

Thanks