The River

[milo]

Love flows,
itself a hidden stream
beneath the city
sleeping—
carries fear and hope,
unseen but not
unfelt.

Don't necessarily love the opening here.  Love flows feels cliche which is not a great way to open and comparing it to a stream just makes me think of the many many songs comparing love to a river.

Then we just run flat into a real problem - "carries" is a dangling participle and neither option is that interesting.  Is love carrying fear and hope?  It is just abstraction overload at this point - abstractions that say and lead to nothing.

"itself" adds nothing

"unseen but not unfelt" is just a throwaway line

Joy runs
along a path at dawn,
hungry for the day
to come,
longing for the newborn sun—
a fever dream
commenced or done.

Yah, the abstractions just carry along and continue to not say anything new or interesting.  Anthromorphing joy right after the opening with the love fear and hope - all of this feels tired, there is no new imagery - it lacks the visceral experience that these types of abstractions require in poetry to bring them to life.

I would challenge any writer to write an interesting poem with the term "fever dream"

I don't think "commenced or done" adds a single thing other than some confusion and a wasted line.

God spills
from the pounding rain,
glass that cuts
through flesh once
stilled,
bringing that which is
alive—
waking that which will be
woken.

sadly, it does not get better.  The whole poem is a series of tired phrases and images that really dont go anywhere or say anything interesting.  Perhaps it would do well in an inspirationsl plaque to hang in the kitchen if you were attempting to recreate a kitchen from the 1980's but I am not sure.

"pounding rain" - cliche
"glass that cuts " - where did this come from and why do we need to mention that it cuts?
"flesh once stilled" - faux poetic
"waking that which will be woken" - well, don't hold the reader in suspense, tell us what it is

I am not sure where to start with a rewrite but I think it would be with intent.  What exactly would you like to say?  What is an interesting metaphor or way to say it?

Thanks