12-22-2025, 06:39 PM
I find the rewrite significantly weaker than the original.
The original had a few weak spots, but had a spare, terse quality. I don’t think it needed a major recasting, just a little pruning round the edges. Two strophes were also the right length.
The edit has too much cliched telling, with its “tender shoots” and “blood and bone” and “forgotten dream”.
Maybe cutting down from the original, using some enjambment, full stops instead of commas - that sort of thing might work better
The original had a few weak spots, but had a spare, terse quality. I don’t think it needed a major recasting, just a little pruning round the edges. Two strophes were also the right length.
The edit has too much cliched telling, with its “tender shoots” and “blood and bone” and “forgotten dream”.
Maybe cutting down from the original, using some enjambment, full stops instead of commas - that sort of thing might work better