My first poem

[Yes89]

For a first poem written in an hour is this good.

Hi Yes89,

First, welcome to the Pen.  Congratulations on posting  your first poem.  That takes a lot of courage.  It's not easy to put yourself out there.

Once we finally crest with the tip of the perpetual drop,
Every irritant we bear gets lost to the suspense of time,
As our arms arise, our existence has just begun
As for me, I still clutched mine, weighing an uncomfortable tonne
In hopes of some comfort, or some guidance to where i find myself painfully unprepared

We crest, at the tip  see how 'tip' has two meanings here?
where every irritant is lost,
where time suspends
arms rise,
we feel alive.

still, I clutch mine, each weighing
an uncomfortable tonne. I hope
for comfort, or guidance, anything
before the perpetual drop.

To answer your question, no the poem is not good.  Nothing written in an hour will be good, especially a poem of this length.  The best poet you can think of would have spent weeks, if not months working on such a poem agonizing over every word, every punctuation, every line break.  I've spent more than an hour reading the poem and thinking of comments.

There's a lot of potential in what you've written.  I took one stanza and edited it to what I see in what you've written.  I mostly just rearranged your words cutting some, occasionally adding, but sparingly.  I don't mean to suggest that this is the best version, only an improvement and something to consider.

So edit your poem and repost.
I'll read it again and offer my input.
Keep writing,
Bryn
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Thanks so much for your input. Looking back at this after a few days, I definitely see fault in many ideas I have included. I'm just wondering if the core concept itself of an expansion of a cliche line works. I could definitely re make or refine this poem if I would have given myself more time. Thanks for your dedication to read my poem for an hour, and the edits you have made have definitely given me insight on cutting some of my language down to appropriate levels.