12-13-2025, 08:18 PM
The central idea is there, and the last line lands, but there are too many words.
The sentences are unwieldy and can be pared back
Eg
“the grey arms of the trees reaching
to finger the false blue of the sky
still promising the heat of the sun.“
“Grey arms of trees” is original. But there are too many “thes”
I also don’t get why the trees would finger the sky. The personification seems unnecessary and confusing.
“ How do I believe I can regrow
when all I can do is lay grieving
buried so deep in the soil”
is prose.
So yes, defo a pome worth workshopping
The sentences are unwieldy and can be pared back
Eg
“the grey arms of the trees reaching
to finger the false blue of the sky
still promising the heat of the sun.“
“Grey arms of trees” is original. But there are too many “thes”
I also don’t get why the trees would finger the sky. The personification seems unnecessary and confusing.
“ How do I believe I can regrow
when all I can do is lay grieving
buried so deep in the soil”
is prose.
So yes, defo a pome worth workshopping