(content) a paper bed, a paper gown (farming meat animals, discussion of death, MRIs)

[thewilderhen]

My wife and I raise meat rabbits.
Someone on a TV show
said, “Bunnies. They just want to die”
and it’s true.

We haven’t gotten to the meat
part yet.

13 live births, 2 still
1 eaten by its mother
(they do that when they’re poorly)
then 1 could not nurse
2 dead in the night
3 when they were weaned.

Each body gets a shroud
of paper towel
and I think how death
can tell a story.

Like how at 27 I worked
a summer in hospice
and listened to a man
cry I’m dying but he
said it as if warning
the living to get out
of his way.

Or how my friend died
at 13 in a house fire
shielding her little sister’s
bones.

Or how last Tuesday
the MRI sang for me
again like one half
of a waulking song a
call-and-response
the sky above painted
on the ceiling for the
claustrophobics the
weeping range of
the sky….. this is a great section. My only grouse is the repeat of “Sky”

And now the rabbits
are both living and
dying with eyes like coal and … excellent!
my coworkers say meat rabbits
are giving post-apocalyptic vibes … I think this is a bridge too far. It sounds good, but it also sounds alike a runaway train of thought 

but they don’t know
how death can be so simple
wrapped in paper. …. I’m not sure what the “but” is for. The ending is great and ties back to the beginning of the poem, but I don’t think post apocalyptic rabbits and your coworkers help the case 

____________________________

Critics, have at it! My specific questions: is this like, too much, man? And if so, what can I cut? (Also looking for whatever else you have to say!)

It’s an excellent poem that might benefit from some trimming towards the end

Thank you for the feedback! I had previously worked on shortening parts upstream of the end, but it still didn’t feel right and I couldn’t pinpoint why. I agree it’s the ending part, now you’ve pointed it out! I’ve rewritten the end and it feels more right. As for the sky, I think I’ll sub out the first instance with clouds. clouds on the ceiling is a good phrase. It’s been the poem I’ve worked on the longest. I’m glad the year it describes (2023) is over. That was brutal.

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My wife and I raise meat rabbits.
Someone on a TV show
said, “Bunnies. They just want to die”
and it’s true.

We haven’t gotten to the meat
part yet.

13 live births, 2 still
1 eaten by its mother
(they do that when they’re poorly)  maybe, 'this'
then 1 could not nurse   maybe, 'failed to' and maybe cut 'then'
2 dead in the night  my ear wants to add a 'more' after '2', it's a rhythm sonics thing
3 when they were weaned.

Each body gets a shroud
of paper towel
and I think how death
can tell a story.  nice turn

Like how at 27 I worked  could cut 'like'
a summer in hospice
and listened to a man  maybe 'listening' and cut 'and'
cry I’m dying but he  move 'cry' to previous line and put 'I'm dying' in quotes
said it as if warning
the living to get out
of his way.

Or how my friend died
at 13 in a house fire
shielding her little sister’s
bones.

Or how last Tuesday
the MRI sang for me
again like one half
of a waulking song a  I like the metaphor here with the walking song (had to look it up) but not sure you landed it.  Might work better, IMO, if you extended it to include how being in the MRI made the narrator feel that relates better to the activity of 'waulking'
call-and-response
the sky above painted
on the ceiling for the
claustrophobics the  could work on line breaks in these last few lines, some strategic punctuation might help with emphasis.
weeping range of
the sky.

And now the rabbits
are both living and
dying with eyes like coal and   not great to end lines with conjunctions or prepositions, cutting as many as possible is best.
my coworkers say meat rabbits  maybe put 'meat rabbits' in quotes
are giving post-apocalyptic vibes  maybe 'sounds so post-apocalyptic'

but they don’t know
how death can be so simple
wrapped in paper.   nice ending

____________________________

Hi thewilderhen,

Very nice poem.  There are several instances where the line breaks make for nice redirection.  It keeps the reader surprised without being distracting.   I made some inline comments above for your consideration.  It can be a tonal thing but I would read through and cut any filler words, like conjunctions, prepositions, or articles that aren't absolutely necessary.  And like I mentioned, avoid ending lines with such.  Hope this helps.
Take care,
Bryn
PS don't know if you have a specific connection to Scotland, but my daughter is in her final year at St. Andrews.  Love visiting her!
PSS  Meat Rabbit would make a great name for a punk band.

Oh man I’d listen to Meat Rabbit. I’ve gone back through and removed some ands and buts and all the other wherefores.My weak point is deciding my line breaks. 

I have no connections to Scotland, but I love working with historical fiber. As for the waulking, you’re right! I was more thinking of how an MRI sounds like this actual waulking song called S Fliuch An Oidhche (warning, it gets stuck in yr head)(the best version for resembling an MRI sound is the one by Catherine-AnnMcPhee) (but this is probably too niche for the reader, huh) and I can see how the action of waulking would come to mind. Things to consider!