My first Pantoum

[Mostly Holy]

For your first effort I would say this is rather good! Poems with refrains are intimidating, but they can be hugely rewarding when they land. I feel this one would land better if you were stricter with the meter; this kind of terse repetitive poem gets its power from its hypnotic rhythm, which an unsteady or erratic rhythm does not lend itself to. I get the idea of using an erratic meter to convey dreamlike confusion, but I think it is working against the effect you intend.