In His Name, I am None

[busker]

"In His Name, I am None"

I begged aloud to empty air
for any sign that He was there,
Until at last His heat I felt;
It shocked me silent as I knelt.  ... the lines are too regular, the rhymes too predictable. Overall impression: forced.
Away I ran, a frightened bride;
He found my vows on altar-sides.  ... forced rhyme again
Upon Himself He placed my blame,
Disrobed me of my long-learnt shame. ... and again

He spoke
His silence split me wide
as floods of flame erased my pride;  ... cliched, forced rhymes
His voice drowned each breath I drew,
His eyes the dark I vanished through.
My hope and fear became my pyre;
God tastes Himself within my fire.
My mirror melts inside its frame
and I am lost
inside His name.

No more the bride,
No more the groom.
No more the voice,
No more the tomb.  ... prose
All hunger spent,
All borders gone,
The fire remains
and I am none.

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I have worked on this one on and off for yonks, but I cannot get it to sing. The middle stanza especially eludes me, I cannot get the delirious, desperate, ecstatic voice it needs. Any suggestions about this or thoughts about any of it would be very welcome ::pray::

Hi Mostly - I think you need to get away from 'trying to write a poem' and let the poem come to you. Nothing in here feels genuine. Rather, it feels as if you've got an idea for a poem on a certain topic, and you're trying to find the rhymes and lines necessary to make it happen. That's not the way you can get a poem to 'sing'. There isn't a lot of suggestions for improvement that I can give, because almost every line is forced and cliched. Perhaps you'd need to start afresh on this one.